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Harvard to Preemptively Rename Northwest Labs

The site of the building formerly known as Northwest Labs. In the interim before a new name is chosen, its name simply will be written as the image of two people holding hands in friendship.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Emerging from a basement meeting late Tuesday night, Northwest Labs building manager Charles E. Brady confirmed that Harvard University’s Board of Overseers voted to preemptively rename the large new building on Oxford Street currently referred to as “Northwest Laboratories.”

As most following the issue know, the title Northwest Labs, like other direction-named building monikers on campus, is temporary, to be replaced when a suitable donor buys the naming rights for more money than you can even dream of making.  

“We should have done this years ago, but at least we’re doing it now,” Dean of Student Life, Death, and Rebirth Stephen Lassonde told Satire V via phone. “Anyone with enough money to buy the naming rights to such a massive state-of-the-art facility has already committed unspeakable atrocities by the moral standards of any reasonable human being born after 2085.”

The emergency meeting consisted of a short debate, a unanimous heads-down, hands up vote, and a game of heads-down, seven-up, to “restore the central harmony damaged by the stressful undertakings of a unanimous vote,” said Brady.

Student Harriet J. Randell ’17 agrees with the decision. “I’m so, so glad that Harvard is taking this important step to preserve the future and current emotional safety of this campus," she said. "There was not a single day that I go to class in Northwest Labs and don't think, ‘Someone is going to donate and name this building, and it’s probably going to be the evilest person to have ever been given life by Parent Earth.’ I get nauseous just passing the sign outside the door.” 

Satire V has also received unconfirmed rumors that future student James T Fogels ’33 has already taken the necessary steps to scrap the sit-in demonstration he was organizing to start on November 12th, 2031. 

It is unclear what Harvard plans to re-name the building to, as it has not yet been named a first time. Dean Lassonde assured Satire V that he was confident in the abilities of those in charge of the job. Unfortunately, Lassonde could not recommend any of them for comment, as their titles had recently changed and he could not recall what their new ones were.


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