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Harvard University Declines to Close for Plague of Locusts

When asked for comment, the locusts responded by devouring our correspondant.

Cambridge, MA—Classes continued as scheduled Friday, despite reports of millions of locusts infesting Cambridge’s remaining coniferous shrubbery and devouring the latest shipment of HUDS squash. Professors prevented from coming to work by the plague of locusts, which closely followed the worst week of snowfall in Boston-area history and a curious incident where blood poured from a crack in the frozen Charles River, were instructed to inform their students of any changes to class schedules created by the incident.

According to an anonymous Cambridge resident who had submitted a tip to both Satire V and the Harvard Gazette that the plague was forthcoming, the cause of the plague was University President Drew Faust’s refusal to take his free “Bible Quiz” along with a handwritten pamphlet about the deal with Satan that earned her the top spot at Harvard. “Cambridgeport might be spared if Faust repents,” noted the tipster “but Faust has hardened her heart.” Our informant noted that darkness would cover the land at roughly 5:04 PM if the people of Cambridge turn away from sin, but that such a change of heart was unlikely.

Undergraduates were quick to remark on the inconvenience caused by the day’s events. “I thought the swarm was bad enough when it made the walk from Holworthy to Sever take half an hour,” noted freshman Gabriella Sohtireak, “but at sundown there were so many I could barely get my door open to put the lamb’s blood on the lintel.”

Executive Vice President Katie Lapp could not be reached for comment, as she was buried under nearly 6 feet of discarded locust carapaces.

© 2015