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Harvard University Declines to Close for Plague of Locusts

Cambridge, MA—Classes continued as scheduled Friday, despite reports of millions of locusts infesting Cambridge’s remaining coniferous shrubbery and devouring the latest shipment of HUDS squash. Professors prevented from coming to work by the plague of locusts, which closely followed the worst week of snowfall in Boston-area history and a curious incident where blood poured from a crack in the frozen Charles River, were instructed to inform their students of any changes to class schedules created by the incident.