and entering

Leaked: Draft of Mark Zuckerberg’s Commencement Speech

"We found a way to write a commencement speech that is 80% meaningless and 20% corporate propaganda."

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, members of the class of 2017, and lurking members of the class of 2017 Facebook page who actually go to a different school but never removed yourselves from the page:

Thank you for the invitation to speak today. Unfortunately, all the good dropout jokes were taken by Bill Gates. [pause for laughs] That was a funny drop out joke, because both Bill Gates and I dropped out.

But I’ll make a drop out joke anyway. I didn’t drop out, I just took a detour on the way to the Quad and then got hit by the shuttle. This is funny, because the Quad is far. [pause for laughs]

I know what you’re thinking: hoodie and jeans—I must be really comfortable right now. Except that it is 93 degrees with 60% humidity and a chance of meatballs. That was a Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs reference. I know this because I am a millennial and can relate to you. 

Now, although Harvard preaches the value of a liberal arts education, a transformative experience, and not dropping out, at the end of the day, we can all agree: the only thing that matters is some good old Pinocchio’s—or should I say, Noch’s. [pause for laughs]

Now comes the part of the speech where I give you some life advice. This is difficult for me. I can’t imagine what it’s like to graduate college with even a slightly uncertain future, let alone to be 22 and not already be financially secure for the rest of your life.

Do not fear, though. My massive wealth means that I have hired the very best speechwriters on the planet—including Gregory Trundle, a Hist and Lit class of 2008 alum I found weeding my lawn—and boy, can they make up some great-sounding advice.

So, my first piece of advice: Jonathan Trainor, please stop posting so many photos of yourself hiking on top of mountains. I know you do this. If you have ever read our privacy policy, you know that privacy settings do not stop me, my accountant, or any dues-current member of AEPi from seeing everything.

See, Jonathan, I am glad you climb mountains. But life is not about promoting the fact that you climb mountains. Life is about climbing mountains. (Thank you Gregory, class of ’08, for coming up with that last line.)

My second piece of advice is: memes. [pause for laughs] [Hold up picture of Doge] [pause for laughs]

The third thing I’d like to say is that when I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

One of the things I know I should change is that story. Because I stole it word for word from Steve Jobs’ Stanford commencement address. But it’s not the first thing I’ve stolen, if you know what I mean. This is funny because you think I’m referring to the idea for Facebook, but I’m actually referring to Priscilla Chan’s heart. [pause for cute “awwww” moment]

My final point is: don't accidentally view a message before you want the recipient to know you have read it. If it does happen, take the advice of one of my favorite Chinese Aphorisms, so I can humbly brag about the fact that I speak Chinese: 一本書就像一個花園,在口袋裡.

© 2017