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commencement

Leaked: Draft of Mark Zuckerberg’s Commencement Speech

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, members of the class of 2017, and lurking members of the class of 2017 Facebook page who actually go to a different school but never removed yourselves from the page:

Thank you for the invitation to speak today. Unfortunately, all the good dropout jokes were taken by Bill Gates. [pause for laughs] That was a funny drop out joke, because both Bill Gates and I dropped out.

Katie Lapp Trapped in Pile of Memories

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a pile of memories.

LEAKED: Other Directors' Proposed Commencement Speeches

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- After Harvard announced that Steven Spielberg would address the Class of 2016 during commencement this spring, Satire V gained exclusive access to speeches that other famous directors submitted for Harvard's approval. Here are some excerpts from a few of those speeches:

J.J. Abrams

Coakley’s Bid for Commencement Speaker Unsuccessful

On Monday Martha Coakley suffered yet another loss as former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick was chosen as the speaker for Harvard’s 364th  Commencement despite Coakley’s bid for the position.

“I give up. I just give up,” said Coakley, who recently lost a bid for Massachusetts Governor and in 2010 lost a special election to fill Ted Kennedy’s U.S. Senate seat. “I’m starting to think this stuff just isn’t my forte.”