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LEAKED: Other Directors' Proposed Commencement Speeches

"Citizen Kane" Director Orson Welles delivers the commencement address to the Class of 1941.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- After Harvard announced that Steven Spielberg would address the Class of 2016 during commencement this spring, Satire V gained exclusive access to speeches that other famous directors submitted for Harvard's approval. Here are some excerpts from a few of those speeches:

J.J. Abrams

“We can’t always see what’s ahead of us. In fact, sometimes we can’t see what’s in front of us. Sometimes a large glaring light prevents us from distinguishing between characters—I mean, people. And sometimes those lens flares are dramatically powerful and aesthetically pleasing. Lens flares can be used effectively, and I think I have walked that delicate line carefully.”


Martin Scorsese

“Let me offer you an anecdote: I remember this one time I was down by where 61st street meets 4th avenue—you know, where Johnny Tuesday’s pizzeria used to be? So I was there, and I says to Johnny, I says, ‘Listen, Johnny, what the fuck is up with this pizza? I mean what the fuck is up with this fucking pizza?’ I’m tellin’ ya, Johnny had no answers. None. The prick was dead silent. And he stayed that way when we took him out back and blew his brains out. Now that's some advice.”


Werner Herzog

“Here on the vast terrain of Tercentenary Theater, I see hundreds of students on the precipice of a new life. A life away from the comforts of the dormitory, the dining hall, the Ivory Tower. A life away from the familiar. A life of pain, in which you shout into the cave but hear no echo. This is what awaits you, should you choose to confront that reality or not.”


Quentin Tarantino

“The best advice I can give you is some advice my dad once offered me. He said, ‘Quentin, get on out there and make people feel uncomfortable to support you.’ And that’s exactly what I did. I created some classic films. Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs stand up to any film in the past 30 years. But I always do something that detracts from the fruits of my talent, like endlessly deploying the n-word, talking about the ‘ghetto,’ and being generally obnoxious. It’s a great strategy that somehow continues to work.”


Jean-Luc Godard

"I have been asked to speak to you today about art and life. You know nothing about either. You claim to know the truth, the veritas, as it were. But only photography is the truth, and cinema is the truth twenty-four times per second. If you don't believe me, just watch Dirty Grandpa."


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