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Lies Harvard Students Tell and What They Actually Mean

Truthfully, it would probably take more than one fairy to turn your thesis into a real boy.

Harvard lingo is sometimes hard to pick up on. Below, Satire V has provided a list of common phrases you'll hear on campus and what they really mean.


I'm too busy to hang out.

I want to spend the next three hours on buzzfeed hating myself.

 

We should get a meal sometime soon. 

Let’s never get a meal.

 

I’m just too busy to have a relationship. 

I am too busy until I find someone that can meet my incredibly high standards. 

 

No, my thesis is actually pretty interesting!

I have thesis stockholm syndrome and have deluded myself into thinking my last year of academic torture meant something to literally anyone. 

 

I think we met sometime freshman year.

I've known you way too long to have forgotten your name.

 

Do you want to get dinner? 

I’m too afraid to face rejection. Now you have to decide if it’s a date or not by clarifying if it’s a dhall dinner.           

 

It’s not that cold outside. 

I refuse to bring a jacket to this party.

 

This is my party jacket. 

This a jacket I stole from the Owl because I underestimated how cold I would be and was too drunk for morality. 

 

I’m just going to do work in the Dining Hall. 

I’m going to do anything but work in the dining hall - including shamelessly watch television. 

 

If a train was going to kill 5 people, but I could switch it and kill just one person, I would kill that one person. 

I would kill the five people because sometimes i just want to watch the world burn.

 

I’m going to print out these readings. 

I’m going to waste a lot of paper and never touch these readings.

 

I’m so proud of you! 

I hate you.

 

I have not slept in days. 

I’ve had six hours of sleep and took two naps during lecture, but I still want you to feel bad for me.

 

I haven't gotten a lot of sleep the last few days, but it’s ok: 

I literally haven't slept in days, but I don’t want you to judge me. 

 

I never go to class: 

I watch every single lecture I missed one day before the midterm.

 

I totally failed that test. 

I don't know what failing means.

 

I call my parents once a week.

 My parents haven’t heard from me since freshman year.

 

My GPA is terrible. 

I have all A’s and B’s, and I probably have never gotten below a B+.

 

What are you doing this summer?

Ask me what I'm doing this summer.

 

I go into Boston occasionally; it's good to get out of the Harvard bubble. 

I went to the MFA once for a class, and I don't want to seem like I never get out of the Harvard bubble.

 

I go to school in Boston. 

I am afraid you will only see me as the "Harvard" person and completely disregard any other meaningful parts of my identity if this is how we start our conversation.

 

**I go to Harvard. 

One of us is being a real asshole and needs to be put in their place.

 

 

**Not a lie (hopefully), but it needed to be said.

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