and entering

Just Take the YHVH–damned A and Be Happy About It

Shaye Cohen
This is basically a prop! Why are you looking to read the tiny footnotes?!

Hello everyone in CB23,

Over the past few months I have begun to notice some troubling goings-on in this class. It appears that some of you took it upon yourselves to study for my course. Several of you came to my office hours before the final examination looking stressed. Even beleaguered. In light of these developments, let me remind those of you who may have forgotten: everyone gets an A in Hebrew Bible. 

This is not a trick. When I started teaching CB23 years ago, do you think I actually expected any of you to give a sacrificial lamb’s ass about the Food Laws or circumcision? Of course not. It was simply my hope that by the end of the class you would all at least be able to tell me the significance of the date 587 BCE without having to sneakily look it up on Wikipedia as soon as I turn my back to gesture wildly at my lecture slides. 

587 BCE is the year of the Destruction of the First Temple by the way. You didn’t know that did you? Even though I remind you at the beginning of every lecture. But you know what? I’ll still give you an A. You get an A and you get an A and you get an A! Because this is Hebrew Bible. And I’m Oprah goddamn Winfrey.

You people need to just calm the heck down. I’m not here to strike you down or strike you out—I’m here to play a nice game of slow-pitch softball. I’m here to let you crush one elective out of the park so you can pretend you’re doing well in school and make your parents proud even though we both know you spend 90% of your time partying. Honor thy father and thy mother? Psych! They’ll be honoring you after you nail this final harder than Jesus was nailed to the cross. Too far? Don’t report me on your course eval or you won’t get the A you know is headed your way as soon as grades close. Just kidding. You probably still will. Because this is Hebrew Bible. And I’m Shaye g-ddamn Cohen.

To conclude: Don’t come to me during office hours to ask for help defining all 200 words on your final ID list. I’m only going to ask you about the first 10. The obvious ones. Why? Because everyone gets an A in Hebrew Bible. Take your 4.0 and go. 

*blows double kiss to the crowd*


© 2016