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Teenager Cures Cancer Using Time She Saved By Saying "Totes" Instead of "Totally"

Using all of the time saved from saying "totes" instead of “totally,” Molly Jackson, 16, has discovered the cure for cancer.

After years of saying the abbreviated word, the saved microseconds finally accumulated into enough free time for Jackson to figure out how to stop the previously uncontrollable cell growth. 

“It was nbd. Tbh idk why people are getting so cray about something I did irl,” said Jackson, who answered questions in between texting her gurls.

“All of us at the research lab are shocked but thrilled by the breakthrough. We plan to implement Jackson’s techniques as soon as possible because they obvi work. We want to work together instead of being jelly of her accomplishment,” said Dr. Allison O. Hopkins, PhD. “Did I use that correctly? Jelly?”

Spurred by her recent success, Jackson is now using “adorbs” instead of “adorable” in an effort to end world hunger.

© 2014