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Teenager Cures Cancer Using Time She Saved By Saying "Totes" Instead of "Totally"

Using all of the time saved from saying "totes" instead of “totally,” Molly Jackson, 16, has discovered the cure for cancer.

After years of saying the abbreviated word, the saved microseconds finally accumulated into enough free time for Jackson to figure out how to stop the previously uncontrollable cell growth. 

“It was nbd. Tbh idk why people are getting so cray about something I did irl,” said Jackson, who answered questions in between texting her gurls.

English Student Desperately Seeks Synonym for ‘Different'

COLUMBUS--A situation in the upstairs bedroom of 181 Oakwood Drive became desperate yesterday as 9th-grader Justin Kimbrell sought a synonym for “different” for his essay on A Tale of Two Cities.

The last-minute essay session comes two weeks after English teacher Shelly Kilfoyle’s assignment that students write about a prominent theme in Dickens’ classic tale of parallels between England and revolutionary-era France.