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Facebook Check-Ins Induce Stroke-Like Symptoms In Morton County Sheriff's Department

Sheriff Kirchmeier, trying to suppress his symptoms long enough to answer questions.

Mandan, ND -- After eager activists flooded Facebook with check-ins to the Standing Rock Indian Reservation on Monday, the Morton County Sheriff’s Department suffered intense bouts of dizziness and confusion, sources say.

“As I scrolled through my Facebook feed, I just couldn't comprehend how many people were checking into this place. I'm talking like thousands here. Even just thinking about it now is making my mouth foam up again,” said the Morton County Sheriff, Kyle Kirchmeier, facing the complete opposite direction to reporters.

Workers at the Sheriff’s Department were rushed to Morton County Hospital in varying levels of catatonia. Their conditions have since stabilized, but some have reported lingering amnesia, breakdown of motor skills, and inability to form coherent sentences.

“Amingst the living waters of, the living in giving waters of. Tight!” commented a wild-eyed Jeff Johnson, deputy sheriff, before sprinting into a field of wheatgrass and making deep growling noises.

Said Josh Denny, physician at Morton County Hospital: "There's gotta be something in their pipes. There's no way that something as inconsequential as a few Facebook posts can leave a man knocked out cold for 8 hours straight."

Activists were originally hoping to "confuse and overwhelm" the police, but were delighted at the success of their campaign. "I get shit from my friends for being a 'slacktivist', but this time my actions put a real cop into a real hospital! Who's the 'slacktivist' now, assholes?" boasted a student wishing only to be identified as Jeff.

US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter refused to comment when asked whether CIA investigators were equipped to protect themselves from such an attack, should ISIS recruiters employ similar tactics.

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