SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Police

Facebook Check-Ins Induce Stroke-Like Symptoms In Morton County Sheriff's Department

Mandan, ND -- After eager activists flooded Facebook with check-ins to the Standing Rock Indian Reservation on Monday, the Morton County Sheriff’s Department suffered intense bouts of dizziness and confusion, sources say.

“As I scrolled through my Facebook feed, I just couldn't comprehend how many people were checking into this place. I'm talking like thousands here. Even just thinking about it now is making my mouth foam up again,” said the Morton County Sheriff, Kyle Kirchmeier, facing the complete opposite direction to reporters.

Nation Really Excited to Hear Ferguson's Next Excuse

Ferguson, MO - Following the recent news of the Department of Justice’s investigation into Ferguson’s police department, polls indicate that most Americans are really looking forward to hearing Ferguson’s new excuse for why it isn’t racist.

President Obama Proposes Funding for 50,000 Police Navi

In the wake of civil unrest brought about by the recent grand jury rulings against the indictment of St. Louis PD officer Darren Wilson and NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo, President Obama has asked Congress to provide funding for 50,000 police fairy companions to accompany America’s law enforcement officers on their adventures.

Nobody Stabbed in JFK Park This Week

In a shocking turn of events, not a single person was stabbed at John F. Kennedy Park near Harvard Square this past week. This follows stabbings that occurred on September 8 and 30 of this year.

The addition of barbed-wire fences surrounding the park and metal detectors at all possible points of entry is believed to be part of the reason for the decrease in violent crime. Anybody who wishes to enjoy the park must now go through an airport-style security check before entering.

Flawed iOS6 Maps Thwarted Recent Terrorist Attack

On the morning of Monday, October 22nd, two armed men in a vehicle drove by an adult entertainment store and reportedly launched a rocket-propelled grenade into the shop, killing two regulars and a store clerk, and also injuring Boston Mayor Menino.  As Bostonians wait to hear news of their mayor, who is expected to make a full physical recovery, new details have emerged about the attacks.