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Obstructionist, Far-Right Congressmen Announce Plans to Unite Party, Congress, Nation

Tea Party members hold a press conference to outline their plans for stifling other plans.
WASHINGTON, DC-- In front of a throng of reporters today on Capitol Hill, a small group of obstructionist, far-right congressmen announced their plans to overcome partisan gridlock and national political disillusionment by working together to alienate the GOP, Congress, and the nation.
The press conference came after House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) withdrew from the race to replace House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), who plans to resign at the end of October. 
Disarray in the GOP has mounted as some ultra-conservatives seek to undermine Speaker Boehner's more centrist wing of the party. "Boehner has played right into Obama's hands. Allowing more than 50 votes to repeal or undermine Obamacare is just not enough. I will not rest until I get at least 100 meaningless and counterproductive votes!" said Rep. Scott Garrett (R-NJ).
"If we don't win, we're going to shut down the government anyway. So you might us well vote for us," said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH), a leader of the far-right Freedom Caucus. "That being said, this is the only way forward to take America back to when we were great. God bless America, the greatest country on Earth." 
"Oh yeah, I'm gonna win this thing," said little-known Rep. Daniel Webster (R-FL), the preferred candidate of the Freedom Caucus. "I'm banking support from the Tea Party, as well as on at least 15 congressmen mistaking me for that other Daniel Webster. I think I have a chance."
With no clear path forward for the GOP, this group of obstructionist congressmen has pledged to unite the party in opposition to President Obama and any policy that anyone else would ever propose to solve any problem. "We are going to defund Obamacare, Planned Parenthood, sanctuary cities, NPR, E! Entertainment Television-- you name it, we'll defund it," said Tea Party Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX). "Hell, we'll defund the whole government. I'm hiding $200,000 in cash under my mattress, and I sleep with a 32 caliber shotgun. Try getting your hands on that, Obama."
Other Republicans have taken a more moderate tack. Asked what he will do as Speaker after Obama leaves office, the other candidate for the position, Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT), said, "If I have to form a select committee to watch and potentially prosecute his every move post-presidency, I am willing to spend your money to do that. Thank you for your support."
Image Credit: Zimbio
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