BOSTON – Following Tuesday night’s World Series victory for Mookie Betts, the Boston Red Sox are 1/25th of the way to their goal of having each player from their 2019 opening day roster win it all. “The easiest way would have obviously been to just win last year,” said CEO Sam Kennedy, “but after that didn’t work out we decided to take it one-by-one, starting with Mookie.”

A long-time fan favorite, Betts was given a chance to succeed last summer, when he was traded to a winning team. “As the leadoff hitter, it’s my job to get the ball rolling, start things off,” Betts said in a post-game press conference. “I’m so proud of all my teammates [on the Red Sox] and the bright future I see for them here [or wherever they end up being traded to win].”

The Betts trade was seen by many in Boston to be catastrophic for the team’s chances at success, but new Chief Baseball Officer Chaim Bloom explained that upset fans just weren’t looking at the big picture. “I know it used to be simple to win around here: just go in and sweep the World Series. But in the modern era of analytics, it doesn’t make sense to put all our eggs in one basket. By spreading our players around, we can nearly ensure that one of them wins each year.”

Critics complain that this plan will only fully succeed in 25 years, well after many players who are now the core of the team will have retired. “I just don’t see how this helps Pedey or Bogey or any of those guys,” slurred one avid Sox fan outside a Fenway-area bar. “But, hey, if we can keep telling Yankees fans we’re winning I’ll take it!”