In response to President Obama's veto of Congress' proposal for the Keystone XL Pipeline, Republican leadership announced plans thursday for the new "Keystone Light" Pipeline, which they referred to as a "leaner, more refreshing" alternative to the much-publicized transnational oil conduit.

"We need to recognize that the American oil industry has ever-changing tastes," Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters. "And this new bill gives our refineries more bang for their energy buck."

Despite widespread criticism surrounding the cost to the taxpayer and limited long-term employment potential the project would entail, the GOP brass remained confident their new approach would inspire newfound enthusiasm for the endeavor.

"Wooo!!! This is gonna kick XL's ass!!!!" visibly intoxicated co-sponsor Johnny Isakson (R-GA) slurred to press, having retched violently over a ledge on the Capitol steps just seconds prior.

The new bill is advertised to deliver a product with 20% less potential for complete environmental catastrophe. It was announced Thursday as the official pipeline proposal of the San Diego Chargers, and has already received public support from the national chapter of Tau Kappa Nu, the lifestyle website "Bro Bible," and that guy from 3A who grills burgers on his balcony in an undershirt every Saturday.

"We also wanted to air commercials about Keystone oil being as cold as the Rockies," McConnell added. "But that was taken."

The press release accompanying the bill announcement concludes by reminding all Americans to drill responsibly.