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Catholics Desperately Seek Excuse Not to Go to Church

The Pope draws inspiration from a wide range of religious scholars.

In light of Pope Francis’s recent interview with several Jesuit publications, in which he condemned the Church’s intense focus on homosexuality, contraception, and other social issues at the expense of core teachings, Catholics worldwide are dismayed to find themselves without a valid excuse not to go to Sunday Mass.

            “We never had this problem with Benedict,” said Miguel DeSantos, 45. “Good old Benny, he gave you something to point to every other week. Spending money on expensive shoes when the poor are suffering, refusing to address the abuse scandal – watching football was really the Christian thing to do.”

            “Oh, God, it’s awful,” said Vincent Maurielo, 35. “He’s telling people to be nice to each other! How am I supposed to enjoy my moral outrage from the comfort of my own sweatpants when the Pope is encouraging people to do what Jesus told them to?”

            “Look at this,” said Harvard junior Christophe Bargeron, referring to a clipping taken from the Pope’s interview: “ ‘Proclamation in a missionary style focuses on the essentials, on the necessary things: This is also what fascinates and attracts more, what makes the heart burn, as it did for the disciples at Emmaus.’ Look me in the eye and tell me my hangover can compete with this. Speaking of what makes the heart burn, I just came back from brunch; you don’t have any TUMS, do you?”

             In response to the urgent need for a morally upright reason to sleep past noon, some Catholics are actively attempting to lead the Pope into potentially awkward or compromising situations.

             “I don’t know how much longer we can keep it up,” said Laura O’Connell, 42. “You go to a press conference and yell out ‘But how about those Jews, right?’ Nothing. You put an attractive, unattended child in his way, and he pats him on the head and gives him a little set of rosary beads. The man is a machine!”

© 2013