By Sean McLoughlin

From my christening to this very moment, Catholicism has been the guiding light in my life. Failure, rejection, emotional distress, feelings of inadequacy—my faith has guided me through these experiences, and I have come out of them a stronger person. But last week I tried challah, and now I have something to confess. I think I might want to convert to Judaism?

Here’s what happened: I went to Mark’s son’s bar mitzvah, and on the way out, some guy offered me a piece of challah. I took a bite, and that was it. Everything changed.

THE VATICAN – Today Pope Francis, leader of the Catholic Church, announced that he will consult God on whether headphones get tangled in Heaven.

The Bishop of Rome himself issued a statement to Catholics worldwide in which he said, "For years we, God's children, have been wondering whether our headphones will remain tangled in Heaven. Well, I've been poring over the scripture and thousands of pages of Catholic teachings, and I've found nothing. Total bupkis. I'm going to have to defer to the Man Upstairs on this one."

In light of Pope Francis’s recent interview with several Jesuit publications, in which he condemned the Church’s intense focus on homosexuality, contraception, and other social issues at the expense of core teachings, Catholics worldwide are dismayed to find themselves without a valid excuse not to go to Sunday Mass.