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Pope to Give up Slathering Himself in Cream Cheese and Robbing Bagel Stores for Lent

"But first, one last...mmph...slather," demonstrated the head of the Holy See.

VATICAN CITY -- In a press conference this past Sunday, Pope Francis stated, “Lent is a time for reflection. It is a time to face our vices, desires, and temptations. And that is why this Lent I’m going to stop slathering myself in a thick layer of smooth cream cheese and robbing local bagel stores.”

 The Supreme Pontiff went on encourage others stay strong during this trying time. “Just as Jesus went out into the desert, so now must we enter the desert of our own sin and wrestle with our shortcomings. It is a test of will and spirit, and I know it is not easy. I, for one, will sorely miss waking up each morning to the sight of my cheese tub full of today’s sweet sweet cream and the feeling of my slippery body squeezing out the door of a bakery with a handful of freshly stolen bagels. But we must stand firm, for in reckoning with past failures we only grow closer to God.”

However, while he warned of the hardships of Lent, the Vicar of Jesus Christ also stated that it is a time of joy and opportunity. “True joy lies in God alone. Now, does the cool feeling of a perfect schmear applied to my upper thigh bring a smile to my lips? Yes. Does the delicate crunch of a sesame seed covered outer crust I did not pay for warm my heart? Of course. But these are only the pleasures of the body, and without them I can strive to achieve that higher pleasure of the spirit.”

In his final statement of the day, the Bishop of Rome asserted we must also learn to forgive ourselves when we fail. “Yes, Lent is a time of trial and growth. But we cannot expect ourselves to smooth over all our imperfections. For example, I have given up much this Lent season, but I still have my manservant Charles slap my tender bottom with a live halibut for an hour before I go to sleep each night. And that’s okay.”


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