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2016 election

EXCLUSIVE: Excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s New Book

Hillary Clinton, the failed Democratic contender for President of the United States in 2016, recently announced that she is penning a new book to be published by Simon & Schuster this fall. Tentatively titled Reflections on Change, the book will discuss Clinton’s path from ambitious Wellesley graduate to Secretary of State, the bruising 2016 election, and the quotes that continue to motivate her. Satire V has obtained this exclusive excerpt from her book below:

 

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Mitt Romney Relieved He Might Still Be Hero in Future History Books

LA JOLLA, CA--Fading out of the public eye after press reports linked Rex Tillerson to the position of Secretary of State, 2012 presidential candidate and former Never Trumper Mitt Romney has announced his joy that future historians may, in fact, still view him as a hero.

 

"For a while there, after that whole dinner photo thing, I was seriously worried future generations might view me as another sellout," the former Massachusetts overnor who still could be respected by our descendants confirmed to reporters.

 

Area Mom Excited to Reclaim Facebook Newsfeed Dominance Since Election End

WESTON, MA — After learning the election news cycle has finally died down, local mother Carol Danforth was reported to be eagerly anticipating the opportunity to flood her family and friends' news feeds with life updates and Despicable Me minion quote images.

“It’s been pretty difficult these past few months. Because of all the shared election content over social media, the average likes on my food blog posts and anti-vaccine infographics has gone down from 5 to 3,” said Danforth.

Nation Readies Itself for Presidential Election After Rough Dress Rehearsal

WASHINGTON -- After nearly two years of practice leading up to the final dress rehearsal, America performed well below expectations in its November 8th performance of Election Day.
 
President Barack Obama issued a statement in front of the country Wednesday morning in which he expressed his profound disappointment in the results and made suggestions to prepare for the real showing. 
 

Clinton Takes Long, Relaxing Vacation at Home Office

CHAPPAQUA, NY- With the long arduous campaign behind her, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to take a much needed vacation by immediately jumping back to work. “This campaign was so mentally exhausting, and now that it is over, I am going to take time to reflect, get out and see the world, take advantage of some much needed R&R and ‘me time,’” said Clinton, pausing for about 15 seconds. “…. Ok that was good. Back to work.”

LEAKED: Transcript of the Obama/Trump Meeting

Satire V acquired the following leaked transcript of Thursday’s meeting between President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump:

 

DONALD TRUMP: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President. Really it’s quite an honor. I’m hoping we can work together during this time—

BARACK OBAMA: Yeah, yeah. Cut the shit. Listen, Donald—can I call you Donald?

DT: Oh, uh, I guess? Can I call you Barack?

BO: No. Listen, Donald, you better have a seat. (Lighting a cigarette) Want one?

Trump Resigns After Winning Joke Campaign; Sietse Goffard Appointed VP

WASHINGTON, DC--Following a stunning victory on November 8, president-elect Donald J. Trump dropped another bombshell earlier today when he announced his intent to resign from the position immediately.

“THANK YOU AMERICA,” the real-estate and media mogul tweeted at 3:45 AM. “Incredible + unbelievable support. Together we will #MAGA. But it’s time for me to focus on Trump TV."

Trump Introduces Glass Ceiling Reinforcement Project, Creates Thousands of Jobs for White Men

NEW YORK, NY--In his first concrete policy proposal, president-elect Donald Trump has outlined a plan to rebuild America’s crumbling infrastructure, starting with repairing and reinforcing the glass ceiling that bars women and minorities from advancing in their professions. Trump hopes this plan will create hundreds of thousands of jobs for white, Christian men across the United States.

 

Why the Fuck Did I Drop Out Again?

Hey America,

You probably don’t remember me. A lot of shit has gone down since we last talked. So here's a quick refresher: I ran for Vice President in 2004 and President in 2008. I really fit the bill: I was white, I was male, and I was generic-looking—like a Kennedy with less defined cheekbones.

No Matter Who Wins the Election, I’ll Still Be Trapped in This Damn Jar

Media outlets have been calling this a "historic" election, one that will "change the course of US politics." Frankly, I disagree. Whether Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump ends up in the Oval Office, I’ll still be stuck in this goddamn jar, just like I’ve been for the past 30 years. 

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