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Trump Pulls Out, Leaving World in Sticky Situation

Despite fervent opposition from his daughter Ivanka and his son-in-law Jared Kushner, Donald Trump announced his intention to pull out at a ceremony at the White House Rose Garden earlier today.  Trump also pledged to stop providing stimulus to the other 194 participants that came together at Paris two years ago. Trump’s decision represents the climax of months of friction within Trump’s administration, and is a big victory for chief White House strategist Steve Bannon, who had been putting increasing pressure on Trump to pull out.

List: Strikes That Are Not the One Happening In Syria

In order to distract you from the latest developments in the horrific quagmire that is the Syrian civil war, Satire V has compiled a list of strikes that are not the one happening in Syria:

Paul Ryan Asks for Last-Minute Extension on Health Care Bill

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan frantically emailed his TF in an attempt to secure a last-minute extension on the GOP health care bill that was supposed to be due Friday evening. "Hi Donald," began Ryan's email. "I was wondering if it would be possible for me to get an extension on the health care assignment due today.

Chris Christie Drops Off President’s Day Gift on White House Doorstep

WASHINGTON – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie deposited his carefully selected President’s Day gift for Donald Trump on the White House doorstep in the early hours of Monday morning.

“I wanted to be the first to wish him a Happy President’s Day, you know?” admitted a suddenly blushing Christie to a pool of reporters. “I got him a set of golden eating utensils for the White House kitchen. You know how he loves to eat!” said Christie with a chuckle.

Barron Trump, White House Butler Thwart Portrait Thief

WASHINGTON – Barron Trump, the youngest son of President Donald Trump, and White House butler Reginald Yarmouth teamed up yesterday to thwart a would-be portrait thief.

According to a source familiar with the event, the pair was ambling around the East Wing when they spotted a suspicious character.

“Hey Reginald, does anything about that man over there seem strange to you?” asked the young Trump.

Sorry for the Ambiguity: ‘EASY D’ Means Penis

Yesterday, as I often do, I Tweeted one of my tremendous ideas. And I have noticed that many in the liberal FAKE NEWS media are misconstruing my Tweet as something I never intended. The FAKE NEWS media tries to undermine my true messages every single day, so I've decided to undercut them and talk to you directly.

I would like to clear this up once and for all: when I Tweeted that Americans were desperate for "EASY D," I was talking about penises. 

Immigrants to Publish Weekly List of Crimes Committed by Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In response to President Trump's executive order last Wednesday, all immigrants in the United States have collectively issued an order to publish a comprehensive list of criminal actions committed by Trump each week of his presidency.

Paul Ryan Sheepishly Inquires About When Tax Cuts Will Begin

WASHINGTON — After a week in which President Donald Trump imposed sweeping immigration restrictions, pulled out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, directed the construction of a wall along the US-Mexican border, and began to dismantle Obamacare, among other things, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan sheepishly inquired about when tax cuts would begin.

“M-m-mister P-p-president?” began Ryan as he cautiously approached the President’s desk. “I just wanted to say you’re doing a great job—tremendous, in fact,” Ryan added with a forced chuckle.

Planet Earth Passes Away After Benevolently Hosting Life for 3.8 Billion Years

This past Friday, it was announced that, following a long battle against humanity, Planet Earth has finally passed away.
 
Born and raised in the Solar System, the son of the Sun, the Earth was a lifelong fan of nature, National Geographic documentaries, and progressive carbon taxes. Sources close to the Earth say that, in recent years, the Earth felt that it was "just going in circles," and had become resigned to its eventual death.
 

Man Who Supported Mass Deportations, Authoritarianism Inspires Rich Liberals to Fight Mass Deportations, Authoritarianism

NEW YORK, NY--Still dominating Broadway over a year after opening, Hamilton: An American Musical has become a rallying point for the American Left. Starting with the cast's open letter to Mike Pence, the show has galvanized well-meaning white people in a way that would have horrified its fascistic protagonist.
 

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