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Finally, Memes Have Destroyed Someone’s Life Other Than My Own

A sad man
By Marciano Eemster
 
When the news came out that several prospective Harvard students had their admission offers rescinded over offensive memes, many were dismayed. Indeed, as a meme reader myself, I would never read such offensive and tasteless memes as the ones that got them expelled. However, unlike all of you, who were sad to hear this news, I was happy. Or, at least, as happy as it is possible for me to be while my life is in this sorry, sorry state. For once memes have finally destroyed someone’s life other than my own.
 

Area Child Can’t Wait For Crushing Bleakness of Adulthood

BOSTON, MA –- After accompanying his father on bring-your-child-to-work day, local second grader Timmy Smith couldn’t wait to just grow up already and be a real-life adult.

“I just want to be able to do all the intellectually stimulating stuff my dad does. Today for example, he’s been on the computer for six hours straight and no one’s told him ‘time up’s’ or ‘you have to share,’” he noted.

Timmy was quick to describe the tribulations of second-grade life.

Nation Runs Out of Thoughts and Prayers

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—In light of today’s terrorist bombings in Brussels, Belgium, Americans have officially run out of thoughts and prayers.

“It seems I’ve used them all,” said despondent Dallas, Texas native Frances O’Sullivan. “After sending so many to Ankara last week and the majority to Paris in November, I found myself unable to send my thoughts and prayers to Brussels via social media today. It just wouldn’t work,” she added, the collective weight of human sorrow visibly weighing her down.