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QUIZ: Are You Living the College Lifestyle, or Do You Just Have No Self-Respect?

boys in a dorm room
It’s late. 3:02 a.m. to be exact. You just finished a long pset, and you’re done studying for the night. You decide to reward yourself with some late night Easy Mac. You’re two-and-a-half bowls deep when you start to wonder if instant mac and cheese is just part of the broke college student aesthetic or if this choice is a manifestation of your deep-seated self-hatred.
 
We’ve all been there: Are you living the college lifestyle, or do you just have no self-respect? Take this handy quiz to find out!

Tragic: This Girl Said Hi to Someone at the Science Center Before Realizing They Were Both Going to Dunster

Walking
CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – After saying hi to Larry T. Samuels '18 on the Science Center Plaza today, Lara R. Garcia '18 was struck by the horrible realization that they were both going to Dunster.

Garcia knew that she was doomed moments after she asked, "Where are you headed?" The 13-minute, 0.6-mile walk from the Science Center to Dunster takes roughly 12 minutes longer than the amount of time Samuels and Garcia have ever spent together and is about 0.5 miles farther than the amount of space they have ever walked together.
 

Loud Marxist in Section Doesn't Actually Give a Shit About Class Oppression

man on laptop

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Sources say Philosophy concentrator and loud Marxist Matt P. Lessin ’19 doesn't actually give a shit about class oppression. 

That does not stop Lessin—whose parents both have Ph.Ds and make a combined annual income of over $250,000—from reportedly speaking during every single “Marx and Marxism” lecture, regardless of whether he has opened the readings. 

Area Man Disappointed to Discover Lies Feminist Tell Event Isn't Just List of Times Women Have Told Him They're Not Interested

Local man Matthew Jackson, 22, was reportedly disappointed to discover “Lies Feminists Tell” event was not just a list of all the times women have told him they’re not interested.

When he originally heard of the event, he decided that the title alone was enough to pique his interest. “I’ve always known these so-called feminists weren’t telling me the whole truth,” he disclosed. “Now I can finally get proof that when Emma said she ‘just didn’t see me in a romantic way,’ and ‘was too busy with classes to look for anything serious’ she was just lying through her damn teeth.”

I’m Not Racist, I Have Black Sims

By Scott Miller

As a white suburban man with a general predisposition for people like me and a general indifference towards political issues not involving me, I have often been accused of being a “racist” or a “bigot.” Such accusations hurt me deeply, for I am a good person who loves people of all colors. Those who disagree don’t know the real me and don’t know that I, in fact, have black sims.