and entering


Professor Begs for Answers From "Anyone but Dave"

SCIENCE CENTER B—Earlier this week, a prominent LS1A professor instituted a policy of calling only on students who have not yet answered a question in class, but because of extremely low participation, this policy excludes only Dave R. Edwin ‘21 from answering.

Dave’s professor explained that he formally introduced the policy only after Dave’s "enthusiasm" showed no signs of abating.

Professor Insists You Don't Even Need to Exist to Come to Office Hours

CAMBRIDGE, MA - During an introductory lecture, intellectual history professor Irma Hackenheim insisted that students don't even need to exist in the physical universe for them to come to office hours.
"My door is always open. You don't need to have specific questions prepared in advance. You don't need to have a general idea of what you want to discuss," said Hackenheim. "In fact, you don't need to be a living, breathing human being. There are absolutely no requirements."

Instructor-Student Sex Ban "Obviously" Doesn't Apply to Tenured Professors

Cambridge, MA—Following two weeks of numerous frantic calls and e-mails from professors, teaching fellows, and weirdly enthusiastic undergraduates, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences’ Committee on Sexual Misconduct Policies made a statement today that the ban on student-faculty sexual relationships announced this month “obviously” didn’t apply to professors with tenure.