and entering

Supreme Court

Oh, You Guys Think I Look Old?

By Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Alright. Listen up, you liberal young folk, concerned editorialists, and Facebook crusaders.  I get the point. You guys all think I look old. Oh please. I’m ship-shape, better than ever, and I’m not going anywhere. 

Day 236: Still Out Here Waiting on the Fucking Steps to the Congressional Building

Dear Senate,

Based on the lunar phases, it is goddamn Day 236. You have still not voted on my fucking nomination, and I have been waiting on these god forsaken stairs outside of Congress—no food, no water, no gavel—since March.

My shit kids used to visit me twice a day. Now, I’m lucky if those bastards shoot me a message over AIM. My wife already remarried to some poor shmuck named Juan-Carlos. I only find company in this homeless man Craig that wanders over during frigid nights. I am always the small spoon.

The Republican Party's Potential Replacements for Antonin Scalia

With Senate Republicans refusing to vote on any potential nominee for the Supreme Court, many have speculated as to who Republicans hope to nominate in the event that they win the coming presidential election this November. To that effect, Satire V presents the conclusive list of potential Republican nominees:

1. The ghost of Antonin Scalia.

2. The ghost of Ronald Reagan.

3. Casper, the friendly ghost.

4. The ghost of Adam Smith's Invisible Hand of the free market.

Who Said It: Antonin Scalia or The Ferocious Beast?

1. "Argle-bargle"
2. "Jiggery-pokery"
3. "Great googly moogly"
4. "Tutti-frutti"
5. "Solo! Solo! Too nakma noya Solo!"
1. Antonin Scalia: United States v. Windsor
2. Antonin Scalia: King v. Burwell
3. The Ferocious Beast: Every single episode of Maggie and the Ferocious Beast

Clarence Thomas Admits That He is Groot

WASHINGTON, D.C - In a rare break from his reticence on the bench, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, known for his reserved persona, spoke up last week during the King v. Burwell lawsuit, saying, “I am Groot.”

Berth Control Ruling Makes Waves

In the wake of the Supreme Court's recent Hobby Lobby ruling, executives across the nation have chosen not to pay for employees' berth control. 

"It's absolute chaos out here," said Michael Sullivan, of the International Longshoremen's Union, "yachts are crashing into dinghies. People keep mixing up their jetskis and their oil tankers. And don’t get me started on the–OH MY GOD, THE ‘USS CONSTITUTION’ IS ON FIRE.”

Supreme Court: People are Corporations Too

Calling its decision a "win for human beings," the Supreme struck down the individual cap on political donations, allowing people to contribute just as much to Republican candidates as corporations do.