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BREAKING: Large Bank Does Illegal Thing to Get More Money

NEW YORK, NY -- Yesterday, in a shocking tell-all esposé, an employee of some large bank told authorities about an illegal thing they did to get more money. Apparently, this is a thing that they’ve been doing for years and years, never getting caught. Can you believe it?
 
“We are very sorry that this happened,” the bank said in an official statement. “We truly regret this activity, and look forward to two days from now once this is out of the news and we can get on with the next illegal thing we’ll be doing to make more money.”
 

Goldman Sachs Executive Renounces Wall Street After Reading “The Rainbow Fish”

Thomas Crompton, 57, has abandoned his lucrative position within the Goldman Sachs investment banking firm, given away his home and possessions, and redistributed has massive fortune, shortly after being exposed to Mark Pfister’s 1992 children’s classic, The Rainbow Fish, for the very first time.