Klaus Schicklgruber, 103, of Corrientes, Argentina reportedly felt deeply ambivalent at the news of Germany’s 1-0 victory over Argentina in the 2014 World Cup final yesterday.  

Argentina still boasts the world’s 8^th greatest total land area, with 1,073,518 square miles to Germany’s 137,847.

“That’s nearly eight times as much land!” shouted native Argentinian Sam Vasquez over a deafening chorus of the German national anthem. “Almost makes you feel sorry for Germany.”

Germany, which has not budged from its ranking of 63^rd on the list of countries with the greatest land area, has very little hope of improving its ranking in the foreseeable future, let alone rivaling Argentina in land area.

Despite promises to refrain, across multiple social media platforms, Americans following the World Cup are finding it difficult not to reference either Nazism or World War II when commenting on Germany's ferocious playing.

MANAUS - Despite having little understanding of the rules and feeling uncomfortable with the lack of commercial breaks, millions of people throughout the United States now genuinely believe they give a fuck about soccer.

"I love America, so of course I love #USMNT too," wrote first-time die hard soccer fan Kevin Williams in an e-mail to Satire V. Williams noted "It was total bullshit that they gave Portugal five extra minutes to score that goal, they normally only give a minute or two," showing a clear lack of understanding for how injury time is added.