CAMBRIDGE, MA— Area savant Michael Goldberg returned Monday after what sources describe as a “transformative” summer abroad in England, Spain, and France. After two months of immersion in European art, literature, and language, Goldberg revealed that he would no longer subscribe to the barbaric American norm of tipping.

MANAUS - Despite having little understanding of the rules and feeling uncomfortable with the lack of commercial breaks, millions of people throughout the United States now genuinely believe they give a fuck about soccer.

"I love America, so of course I love #USMNT too," wrote first-time die hard soccer fan Kevin Williams in an e-mail to Satire V. Williams noted "It was total bullshit that they gave Portugal five extra minutes to score that goal, they normally only give a minute or two," showing a clear lack of understanding for how injury time is added.

Although America knows the risks involved, it just isn't ready for fossil fuels to pull out, not yet. Friends like Britain and France have reminded America about the scare it had a few years ago when fossil fuels spilled all over its coast, but America has responded that that was "one time" and "it's not like there were any permanent consequences." 

America, which has recently become “race-blind”, has been increasingly struggling to live a sighted life in a world that still seems pervaded by race. 

According to multiple sources, this past week has been particularly rough for race-blind America.