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Pope Francis to Ask God Whether Headphones Get Tangled in Heaven

THE VATICAN – Today Pope Francis, leader of the Catholic Church, announced that he will consult God on whether headphones get tangled in Heaven.

The Bishop of Rome himself issued a statement to Catholics worldwide in which he said, "For years we, God's children, have been wondering whether our headphones will remain tangled in Heaven. Well, I've been poring over the scripture and thousands of pages of Catholic teachings, and I've found nothing. Total bupkis. I'm going to have to defer to the Man Upstairs on this one."

Empowered by "Lemonade," Irish Catholic Woman Internalizes Feelings About Husband's Impropriety

BOSTON, MA -- After listening to Beyonce's empowering new album Lemonade, local Irish Catholic woman Mary Shaughnessy was inspired to internalize all her feelings about her husband's impropriety.
 
"The song was quite rousing. But Jack admitted that he shouldn't have done it," said Shaughnessy, drinking black coffee as she stared out her kitchen window. "So it's fine."
 

Catholics Desperately Seek Excuse Not to Go to Church

In light of Pope Francis’s recent interview with several Jesuit publications, in which he condemned the Church’s intense focus on homosexuality, contraception, and other social issues at the expense of core teachings, Catholics worldwide are dismayed to find themselves without a valid excuse not to go to Sunday Mass.