SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Politics

Only By Reuniting Simon and Garfunkel Can We Heal the Wounds of This Divided Nation

Simon and Garfunkel, back in the day
Right now, our nation is more divided than ever before. The country is in shambles, the promise of America has been broken, and an unprecedented strain has been placed on our political system. In this hour of darkness, America needs an old friend– or perhaps two old friends, united as one musical act. Only by reuniting the incomparable folk rock duo Simon and Garfunkel can we finally heal the wounds of this divided nation.
 

Electoral College Ranked 5th by U.S. News and World Report

NEW YORK, NY – In the freshest release of the much-anticipated annual college rankings, U.S. News and World Report ranked the U.S. Electoral College as the fifth best undergraduate institution of higher learning in the nation.

Bush Runs for Office, Trips

COLUMBIA, S.C.--Earlier today, Jeb Bush tripped on the sidewalk on the side of a major thoroughfare, tumbling to the ground in front of stunned spectators. Bush reportedly overslept and missed his limousine ride to a South Carolina primary results watch party, forcing him to jog 2.3 miles to his campaign headquarters.
 

Gov Concentrator Actually Has No Political Ambitions

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Sam Seward ‘16, a Government concentrator in Quincy House, shocked the Harvard campus today when he announced that he has no political ambitions.

“Not even state senator,” said Seward, standing in front of a crowd of reporters and passers-by who caught wind of the announcement. “I just like political science. From a purely academic standpoint.”

Seward’s announcement amazed and confused onlookers. To some, though, it came as a pleasant surprise.

Mayor Cat Mauled by Dog, Paws Point to Political Motives

The Office of Mayor Cat claims that last week’s attack on Stubbs the cat, mayor of Talkeetna, AK, was politically motivated. On his way to the office last week, a loose dog mauled Stubbs, sending Stubbs to the vet. To few, this comes as a surprise; Stubbs has made some formidable canine foes during his 16 years in office.