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Ted Cruz

Looking At Porn is Absolutely The Worst Thing I've Ever Done

Porn Star Ted Cruz
By Ted Cruz
 
My fellow Americans, I'll admit it: I made a mistake. I entrusted a member of my staff– I won't say whose, I mean which, member– with my Twitter account, and that person liked a tweet that contained porn. Now I'm going to apologize for this, which is definitely the worst thing I have ever done in my political career.
 

Office of Student Life Releases List of Uncommon Spaces

While plenty of ink has been spilled over common spaces at Harvard, little attention has been given to more uncommon spaces. Luckily, the Office of Student Life has released a list of uncommon spaces for student reference:
 
1. That space between your bed and the wall where you once dropped a mechanical pencil
 
2. The currently-under-construction basement of Winthrop
 
3. The pocket of your roommate's winter jacket
 
4. Annenberg in the hour in between Breakfast and lunch
 

Ted Cruz Threatens to Return to Canada if Trump Elected

HOUSTON, TX -- After his unsuccessful campaign for the GOP nomination, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has announced that he would return to his birthplace of Calgary in Alberta, Canada, if Donald Trump is elected President.
 
"Oh, gee I don't know, I just can't stand him y'know?" said Cruz at a press conference, a Canadian accent supplanting his usual southern-tinged twang. 
 

I, Too, Love the Basketballs

By Ted Cruz

My fellow Americans,

Recently, I referred to the basketballs hoop as the “basketball ring,” a careless gaffe. Now, don’t go thinking I don’t know a thing or two about the fine American sport of basketballs. I have been playing the basketballs since I was a little boy, and have supported my municipal and/or state sports team for as long as I can remember.

Ted Cruz Stopped Listening To Rock Music on 9/11, When He Heard Nickelback

Washington, D.C.--In an interview this week on CBS This Morning, presidential hopeful Senator Ted Cruz stated that he used to listen to rock music until September 11, 2001, when Nickelback’s album Silver Side Up debuted. “Music is interesting,” he said. “I’ll tell you sort of an odd story,” he told the audience. “My music taste changed on 9/11. And it’s very strange. I actually intellectually find this very curious. But on 9/11, I first heard Nickelback’s single ‘How You Remind Me’. And then I heard it again. And again.