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2016

Questions We Would Like to Hear Asked at the Last Presidential Debate

LAS VEGAS, NV -- The final presidential debate between Republican nominee Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton is this evening at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Ahead of the debate, we at Satire V compiled a list of burning questions we would like to hear the candidates answer:

Ted Cruz Threatens to Return to Canada if Trump Elected

HOUSTON, TX -- After his unsuccessful campaign for the GOP nomination, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has announced that he would return to his birthplace of Calgary in Alberta, Canada, if Donald Trump is elected President.
 
"Oh, gee I don't know, I just can't stand him y'know?" said Cruz at a press conference, a Canadian accent supplanting his usual southern-tinged twang. 
 

Presidential Race Swallows Christie Campaign Whole

TRENTON, NJ -- New Jersey Governor Chris Christie suspended his presidential campaign today after a poor performance in the New Hampshire GOP primary. At a press conference this afternoon, Christie admitted that the state had taken a big bite out of his campaign budget, and that he could not afford to continue.
 

Iowans Regain Eyesight After National Spotlight Shifts

DES MOINES, IA- Full recovery is expected for Iowans blinded by the national spotlight last week.

“At first, it was really scary,” reports Ed Johnson, one of those momentarily rendered sightless, “I couldn’t find my corn. I couldn’t find my truck. I couldn’t find my wife.”

“And so I was like, where’s my wife?” he adds, shivering, “but nobody responded. Most likely she was outside.” 

Saturday Night Debate Targets Voters with No Social Lives

DES MOINES, IA – The second Democratic presidential debate took place this Saturday evening, drawing a total of three viewers from within the coveted 18-49 demographic who were actually home at 9 pm. 

Biden Meets Mysterious Figure in Parking Garage After Announcement

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Following the conclusion of his announcement not to run for President in 2016, Vice President Joe Biden left the White House Rose Garden, entered an unmarked car, and silently drove away to an undisclosed location. From there, he walked seven blocks, stopped, looked both ways to make sure no one was following him, and turned into a dimly lit parking garage. At the end of a bleak row of empty parking spots stood a shadowy figure waiting for Biden’s arrival.

“Is it done?” asked the mysterious person.

Martin O’Malley Visits Qdoba, No One Notices

Cambridge, MA—Last week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made headlines when she ordered a burrito bowl at a Maumee, Ohio Chipotle and no one recognized her.

In advance of his speech at the JFK Jr. Forum today, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley stopped by Qdoba in Harvard Square and also went unrecognized.

“I thought I’d surprise the everyday Americans of Harvard Square, just like Secretary Clinton did,” said the soon-to-be Democratic presidential candidate, O’Malley.