SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Undergraduate Council

Outsider UC Ticket Commands Final Clubs To “Go Forth, Multiply, and Replenish the Campus”

Delphic Club

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Just hours before the polls closed for the 2017 UC Presidential election, things took a supernatural turn when outsider candidates Conor Healy '19 and Parth Thakker '19 stood up simultaneously and, with booming voices that seemed to emanate from the heavens, commanded Harvard’s final clubs to “go forth, multiply, and replenish the campus.”

17 Important Issues No UC Candidate is Talking About

UC Logo

The UC presidential election is in full swing, but not every important issue is being addressed. Satire V has compiled a definitive list of 17 issues that no UC candidate is talking about:

1) The female orgasm

2) How to get a new napkin out of the dispenser when it’s really filled to the brim

3) Why Jessica won’t answer my calls

4) Why you park on a driveway but drive on a parkway

5) Why?

6) The fact that Courage the Cowardly Dog (1999-2002) was basically Saw for children

Looking Back on What the UC Accomplished This Past Year

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

President Mayopoulos Declares Martial Law

President Gus Mayopoulos, who reportedly suffers from impotence and a crippling fear of the color orange, has declared a State of Emergency on Harvard’s campus. A curfew is now in effect for all students and professors, who must return to their homes by 10pm and get lunch with him in Kirkland at noon so he does not have to eat alone.