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Outsider UC Ticket Commands Final Clubs To “Go Forth, Multiply, and Replenish the Campus”

Delphic Club

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Just hours before the polls closed for the 2017 UC Presidential election, things took a supernatural turn when outsider candidates Conor Healy '19 and Parth Thakker '19 stood up simultaneously and, with booming voices that seemed to emanate from the heavens, commanded Harvard’s final clubs to “go forth, multiply, and replenish the campus.”

PETA Condemns Students Punching the Owl

An owl getting punched.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Responding to recent controversy on the university’s campus, animal rights advocacy organization PETA publicly condemned Harvard students for punching the Owl.
 

Khurana Shakes Up Single Blender Social Organizations

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In an announcement on Wednesday, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana unveiled new plans to target Unrecognized Single-Blender Social Organizations by proposing a policy which would propel members of such organizations toward the risk of expulsion.
 

Are These Sharply-Dressed White Men Punching a Final Club, or Just a Group of Dapper Young Lads?

Turkey Club Inducts Inaugural Punch Class

CAMBRIDGE, MA —The Turkey Club, Harvard's newest and most feather-ridden final club, inducted its first punch class over the weekend.
 
The Club, affectionately known as "The Gobb" and located in the general vicinity of Plympton Street, sprung up this fall in response to a growing number of turkeys who have literally nothing to do.
 

Internal Divisions Rack Owls

CHICAGO -- A recent observational study has revealed a growing rift between old and young male owls. According to ornithologists at the American Orinthologists' Union (AOU), parliaments of owls are facing some serious divisions.

“We are witnessing prolonged infighting among male owls in a way that has never been documented before,” said Dr. John James, an AOU ornithologist and expert on owl behavior. “Males are attacking each other, and it seems that the division is between older and younger owls.”

In Response to University Sanctions, Mumps to Infect Everyone This Time

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- The mumps virus, which drew widespread criticism last spring for primarily infecting members of all-male final clubs, has announced that, in accordance with university sanctions on Single-Gender Social Organizations, it will infect all Harvard students regardless of affiliation during the current outbreak.

Drew Faust Announces...Wait, I'm Better Than Writing About Final Clubs, Right?

ALEPPO, SYRIA–-Two days ago, Islamist rebels seized the village of Khan Touman, which resulted in 73 deaths and violated the ceasefire in the city of Aleppo recently brokered by the United States and Russia. The battle subsided merely a few hours before the President of Harvard University, Drew Gilpin Faust, issued a statement citing consequences for students participating in unrecognized single-gender social organizations on campus. Wait...no, that's not right.
 

You Know What, I Worked Hard On This

Listen up assholes, and listen good. Over the past year we have heard your complaints about final clubs, social spaces, and exclusivity on campus. Yesterday we finally took action and decided to sanction members of single-gender organizations like private final clubs, fraternities, and sororities. Yet many of you insist that we have overstepped our bounds by violating the freedom of association and unfairly punishing all-female organizations. Oh, so now you like exclusivity? What, Harvard isn't exclusive enough for you shits? I worked hard on this, and I deserve some appreciation.

Privileged White Dude Accepted to Class of 2020 Seriously Reconsidering Gap Year Plans

GREENWICH, CT--Having just completed his transaction to purchase an expensive trip to Uganda, Harvard College Class of 2020 admit Kennedy Marcus is now seriously reconsidering his decision to take a gap year. 

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