SatireV

Breaking

and entering

final clubs

Excellence in Diversity: Six All-Male Final Clubs Represented in Sophomore Blocking Group

DUNSTER HOUSE — This fall’s punch presents the Harvard community with an unmatched opportunity for an enriched education: against all odds and sanctions, a new sophomore blocking group has reported featuring at least one member from all six all-male final clubs. 

Final Clubs Reveal Yardfest Headliner: 80-Foot Luxury Yachty

Lil' Yachty and boat
CAMBRIDGE, MA— After months of anticipation leading up to the announcement, the final clubs banded together to announce that the 2018 Yardfest headliner will be the rapper 80-Foot Luxury Yachty. He is a prolific musician known for hit singles like “iWant (an iPhoneX),” “Brocollini,” and “One Percent.”

Trailblazers: These Attractive Rich Women are First to Join Attractive Rich Men's Clubs

Five nicely dressed women

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard’s administration delivered the ultimate diversity win when they announced their decision to continue sanctions on single-gender social organizations. Now, all-male final clubs must open their doors to America’s most marginalized group: affluent women who went to Spence.

Wow. Talk about the next Brown v. Board of Education.

Outsider UC Ticket Commands Final Clubs To “Go Forth, Multiply, and Replenish the Campus”

Delphic Club

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Just hours before the polls closed for the 2017 UC Presidential election, things took a supernatural turn when outsider candidates Conor Healy '19 and Parth Thakker '19 stood up simultaneously and, with booming voices that seemed to emanate from the heavens, commanded Harvard’s final clubs to “go forth, multiply, and replenish the campus.”

PETA Condemns Students Punching the Owl

An owl getting punched.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Responding to recent controversy on the university’s campus, animal rights advocacy organization PETA publicly condemned Harvard students for punching the Owl.
 

Khurana Shakes Up Single Blender Social Organizations

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In an announcement on Wednesday, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana unveiled new plans to target Unrecognized Single-Blender Social Organizations by proposing a policy which would propel members of such organizations toward the risk of expulsion.
 

Are These Sharply-Dressed White Men Punching a Final Club, or Just a Group of Dapper Young Lads?

Turkey Club Inducts Inaugural Punch Class

CAMBRIDGE, MA —The Turkey Club, Harvard's newest and most feather-ridden final club, inducted its first punch class over the weekend.
 
The Club, affectionately known as "The Gobb" and located in the general vicinity of Plympton Street, sprung up this fall in response to a growing number of turkeys who have literally nothing to do.
 

Internal Divisions Rack Owls

CHICAGO -- A recent observational study has revealed a growing rift between old and young male owls. According to ornithologists at the American Orinthologists' Union (AOU), parliaments of owls are facing some serious divisions.

“We are witnessing prolonged infighting among male owls in a way that has never been documented before,” said Dr. John James, an AOU ornithologist and expert on owl behavior. “Males are attacking each other, and it seems that the division is between older and younger owls.”

In Response to University Sanctions, Mumps to Infect Everyone This Time

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- The mumps virus, which drew widespread criticism last spring for primarily infecting members of all-male final clubs, has announced that, in accordance with university sanctions on Single-Gender Social Organizations, it will infect all Harvard students regardless of affiliation during the current outbreak.

Pages