SIMI VALLEY, CA—Looking fearfully out of the windows of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the last surviving band of principled Republicans prepared for a standoff with a horde of Trump voters.

“We might not survive the night,” said one of the Republicans, who went only by the single name “Jeb,” as the cries of vague economic populism echoed in the distance. “They tore Kasich apart.”

“They’re almost here!” a lookout from the roof called down, “Pull out your concealed weapons!” 

In what theologians have described as “the triple crown of sin,” Woburn resident Donald Keegan’s decision to wear a garment of mixed fibers while eating shellfish on the Sabbath has led to the breaking of the seven seals, the sounding of seven trumpets, and the raining of flames down from the heavens in a series of events that will almost certainly lead to the cancellation of this week’s Patriots game, as well as the destruction of mankind.