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Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney Relieved He Might Still Be Hero in Future History Books

LA JOLLA, CA--Fading out of the public eye after press reports linked Rex Tillerson to the position of Secretary of State, 2012 presidential candidate and former Never Trumper Mitt Romney has announced his joy that future historians may, in fact, still view him as a hero.

 

"For a while there, after that whole dinner photo thing, I was seriously worried future generations might view me as another sellout," the former Massachusetts overnor who still could be respected by our descendants confirmed to reporters.

 

Miss Secretary of State Competition Enters Swimsuit Round

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ — Beneath a glittering wrecking ball outside the bankrupted Trump Taj Mahal on Saturday, the Miss Secretary of State Competition entered its second round: the swimsuit competition.

“Alright, ladies, go on to your dressing rooms and slip into those pretty little bikinis of yours,” the pageant’s host, Chris Christie, bellowed from the stage after contender Mitt Romney finished up the talent competition, in which he twirled a baton to the beat of “America the Beautiful.”

Last Surviving Band of Principled Republicans Faces Off Against Horde of Trump Supporters

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Looking fearfully out of the windows of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the last surviving band of principled Republicans prepared for a standoff with a horde of Trump voters.

“We might not survive the night,” said one of the Republicans, who went only by the single name “Jeb,” as the cries of vague economic populism echoed in the distance. “They tore Kasich apart.”

“They’re almost here!” a lookout from the roof called down, “Pull out your concealed weapons!” 

Mormon Underwear Undergoes Revamp

In place of the modest two-piece, the Church of Latter-Day Saints now offers a wide array of red, hot-pink, and leather thongs, ass-less chaps, and more. The Mormon community is buzzing about this exciting change.

“I can’t wait to throw on a Jeee-sus string,” said grinning former-presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “It will only be More-man on display,” he chuckled, “But really, it turns me on.”

Even Glenn Beck showed some excitement at the news.

“It’s just so liberating,” he said, sporting a fluffy pink brassiere. “I’ve never felt so giddy.”