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Area Bagel Spread Too Thin

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local breakfast staple Plain Bagel bleu open her schedule for her family during the holiday season, but upon returning to work, Bagel has found herself spread too thin. 

“It was so nice of [Plain Bagel] to spend Hanukkah with us,” said her siblings, the Einstein brothers, “but we wonder if her life would be less a-rye if she hadn’t.” 

Area Bagel Looking for Breadstick

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In anticipation of Valentine’s Day, Plain Bagel is now looking for the perfect breadstick to fill the hole in her heart.

Bagel’s high standards can be hard for a carb to rise to. “He can’t be too thick or too long, and he kneads to be okay with leaving traditional gender rolls behind,” expressed Bagel. “Also, it wouldn’t hurt if he loaves to jam. My ex-breadstick was always raisin the roof.”