Dear Valued Customer,

We regret to inform you that Pepperidge Farm is not liable for self-inflicted food-related injuries. Though we empathize with your gastrointestinal plight, our "Death by Chocolate" cake does not guarantee - as the name may suggest - actual death, but describes our unique, patented style of frosting.

My TF told me before that my idea of an introduction was a total failure, and that I should be more direct. Because that raging dickface controls my grades (and by proxy, the only thing that gives me any sense of self-worth) I must cede to his demands.

My thesis is as follows: that I hate this course, and that political science as a science is about as real and substantive as my chances of getting laid in the next three to four years.1