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Opinion

Historical Advice Column: Ask Patty

Dear Patty,

I'm faced with a bit of a dilemma.  I've been ruling France for about 10 years now, and don't get me wrong; it's been great. I've instituted sweeping reforms, and defeated both Austria and Prussia.  But I feel like it's just not enough any more.  I'm getting itchy feet and feel like it's about time to stage another invasion.  I was thinking of Russia, but I'm just not sure.  How do I know if I'm ready to wage another large-scale war yet?

- Questioning Corsican

Corsican,

Point-Counterpoint: I'm Not Sure If I Want to Eat Your Pussy vs. God I Would Love to Eat Your Cat

Point:

I'm Not Sure If I Want to Eat Your Pussy

By Jonathan Sanders, Sixteen-Year-Old Texan Boy

OK Martha, I know we've been together for three months now. Yes, your parents aren't home and yes, we're in your bedroom alone, but I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet.

No, of course I'm not gay; I think you're really hot. I just"" don't want to.

Point-Counterpoint: Pluto Wants Back In

Point: You guys are
mean

by Pluto the ""dwarf
Planet""

All of you are a bunch of
liars. Yeah, I'm talking to you, all those women who are all like, ""size doesn't
matter"" and then you ditch me and giggle with all your chic 20 year old friends
wearing cocktail dresses in the back of those bars that pretend that they're
chic because they serve electric blue drinks that have names in bastardized
French. You're all liars, because clearly size does matter.

Rick Astley Gave Me Up, Let Me Down

Rick Astley, of internet fame and suave and
sexy looks, seems like a great guy when you only know him from a YouTube video.
But beware: his spotless shine is solely the result of the reflective surface of
your computer monitor.

It was March 13th, 1987.  Rick and
I were as happy as could be. But as soon as he proposed, our relationship went
where most of Rick's music would go: buried under a pile of bum clothes in the
back of a dark alleyway just south of the traffic light at 18th
Street and Broadway.

I Didn't Fuck Your Mom, I Just Took Her on a Date

"

Okay Billy, I know you're not happy
with me, I know.  You see me, with your mom, and you're thinking ""Is this guy
taking her for a ride, how dare he!"" But rest assured here, I'll tell you
straight up: I didn't fuck your mom, I just took her out on a date.  When you
saw us talking and laughing during dinner, I was not, even once, thinking about
ramming my meat hammer into her innermost depths.  When we were making out after
seeing the English Patient, I had every intention of stopping my advances right
there.

Point-Counterpoint: Maybe I Don't Need the Internet

Point: Maybe I Don't Need the Internet
By Bryan Haut'08

I recently moved into a new apartment and forgot, for about a month and a half, to sign up for internet access. I finally got around to calling the company, but it will still be a few weeks before I can log on at home. But I realized something

Point-Counterpoint: By Mary-Kate Olsen, ages 3 & 21

POINT: Carpe Diem, Bitches! - By Mary-Kate Olsen (21 y.o.)

Some people think they know me. But they don't. I have been so busy seizing days that I've had no time to get to know those trifling whores. I'm so busy that I'm in a seizing daze - and that's a homonym, bitches! See, I learned that word (along with lots of other three syllable words) during my one year at NYU. -- College? Check.

Hunter S. Thompson Speaks

As I was walking to breakfast one day with my roomate I tripped over something near one of the house entrances. "Perverts and communists getting in my way," I mumbled, but when I looked down to kick the hobo in the chest, I found instead a young man. It gave me pause, and I looked at him for a while before my roommate told me to hurry the hell along.

Studying for Finals - An Editorial by Your Religious Frat Brother

Hey bros, Pete here. I know it's exam season here at Ridgemont College,
which means you're looking for study aids. No prob man, I got you covered.
It's called The King James Bible.

I know what you're thinking. "How does a 1611 translation of the Christian Bible help with Stat 101?" Look, I know that multiple choice section will toy with your mind like six straight hours of BioShock, point taken. But in all fairness you've got to focus on some bigger shit than the multi-choice.

Point-Counterpoint: Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan

Point: Hilary Duff is better than Lindsay Lohan

By Hillary Duff

I’m going to take the high road and not start off this intelligent—I did go to Harvard! Extension school SO counts!—conversation by pointing out my rival’s firecrotch. But you know, if I weren’t so classy, I’d say that she’s had more pictures taken of her vagina than Paris Hilton has STD’s! Ha!

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