CAMBRIDGE, MA- Last night, the College Events Board announced the 2019 Yardfest artists: Bazzi as headliner featuring an entire handle of Bacardi as the opener.

Commenting on the headliner, Katie R. Jones ‘20 said “Bazzi has that one meme song right? Is he a Youtuber?”

by I. N. Sufferablé

Look. I understand the CEB was under pressure this year. It seems like they couldn’t find a decent headliner for Yardfest for way way too long, and now they’ve just picked the nearest mega-successful artist who was available. I get it. I’ve handed in my fair share of late assignments. I know what it’s like to be pressed for time and do something subpar. But let’s be frank. The Yardfest headliner should not have been Tiesto. It should have been Elvis Presley.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a surprising announcement Sunday, the Harvard College Events Board revealed that they have booked local chainsmoker Jerry R. Fleming ‘17 to perform at this years Yardfest.

This announcement comes after a wave of student dispute surrounding supposed potential picks Carly Rae Jepsen and the Chainsmokers. “We kind of just heard people saying they really wanted chainsmokers, but we only had a few bucks to book someone. So, I called my friend Jerry up from the Advocate and asked him if he’d be down to perform,” said CEB co-chair Andrew Sutton.

Satire V: How does your organization feel about Tyga performing at Yardfest tomorrow?

Harvard Basketball Team: Tyga's coming?? Aww, sick man! I love that dude's cereal! I used to have it like every day before practice in high school. Yo! Tell Tony I say hi!