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Muslim Man Proceeds Normally Through Airport

BOSTON, MA--Bystanders watched in stunned silence yesterday as Cambridge resident and practicing Muslim Jaleel Abassi proceeded normally through Logan Airport.

Abassi reportedly arrived in a taxi at 7:30 a.m. just outside of terminal D, holding a grande iced coffee from Starbucks in his right hand. He then retrieved his inexplicably average-sized suitcase from the cab and incomprehensibly proceeded like a normal person through the automatic doors towards security.

Thousands Coming for Head of the Charles

Everywhere around Cambridge and Boston, thousands of people are coming right now to see the enormous Head of the Charles. The visitors, fit to burst from simply seeing the Head of the Charles, are visibly tense in their anticipation for this time-treasured event.

Boston Man Ready for 50 Minutes of Back-to-Back Classic Rock

After lowering his office blinds and tuning up his air guitar, Quincy building manager Nick Durden is ready for 50 minutes of back-to-back classic rock. “Hell yeah I’m ready for the hits,” said Durden in response to Terry Nowlin, WZLX’s Head Rockin’ DJ for the 10am to 11am time slot. 

Mike Napoli’s Beard Called for Obstruction

BOSTON, MA- In a controversial play that decided Game Six of the 2013 World Series, Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli’s beard was called for obstruction. With the bases loaded in the top of the ninth, Cardinals left fielder Matt Holliday visibly shied away from Napoli’s gargantuan beard. First base umpire Jim Joyce signaled an obstruction call, allowing all runners to advance and the Cardinals to score what would become the winning run.

Administration Notifies Students About Boston Tea Party

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to numerous reports, students received an e-mail notification at 4:31 PM yesterday alerting them of the Boston Tea Party. “Between 7:07 and 10:25pm on a Thursday approximately 12,492 weeks ago, a domestic terror cell calling itself the ‘Sons of Liberty’ commandeered a civilian merchant vessel and destroyed its cargo,” the message, titled “Harvard Alert,” read in part. A follow-up “Message Me” text notification went on to say that no immediate threat related to the attack was identified on campus at any point in the last 240 years.

 

Fearing Regulation, Pressure Cooker Sales Spike

After the Boston Marathon incident last week involving bombs fashioned from pressure cookers, millions of domestically-inclined Americans have flocked to shopping malls across the country to buy the an unprecedented amount of pressure cookers, fearing imminent government regulations.

Governor Patrick Goes Mad with Power, Re-instates Vehicle Ban

Deval City, MA—Speaking from behind the wall of his snow fort in Boston Common, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick announced the re-establishment of the vehicle ban instated during the last winter storm. “As of this very second,” Patrick announced “any non-emergency services driver found on Massachusetts roads will be subject to fines of not less than $15,000 or 10 years imprisonment.

Flawed iOS6 Maps Thwarted Recent Terrorist Attack

On the morning of Monday, October 22nd, two armed men in a vehicle drove by an adult entertainment store and reportedly launched a rocket-propelled grenade into the shop, killing two regulars and a store clerk, and also injuring Boston Mayor Menino.  As Bostonians wait to hear news of their mayor, who is expected to make a full physical recovery, new details have emerged about the attacks.