SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Men

Four Emotional Voids that Scallion Pancakes Will Fill But He Won’t

Are you stuck in a soulless, poorly defined relationship? Wish you would stop having sex with guys you’re only 60% into just for the temporary feeling of completeness? Here are four emotional voids that scallion pancakes will fill but he won’t:

 

1) The "emotionally detached parent" void 

Inspiring! This Man Is Downright Disgusting and Still Objectifies Women

CLEVELAND, OH—An inspiration to men everywhere, 54-year-old Chuck Jenkins has not used soap in a month and still objectifies women.

This morning, Jenkins rolled out of bed in beer-stained sweatpants, decided against showering or shaving for the 29th day in a row, and headed to his local coffeehouse. “Hey tutz,” he said to the 19-year-old barista, Alison Smith, who works at the coffeehouse to pay her college tuition. “I’ll take my coffee as hot as you are.”

Hasty Pudding Grad Board Considers Meeting with Fathers of Harvard Women to Arrange Casting

Cambridge, MA – Last Sunday, 14 female students signed up to audition for the Hasty Pudding Theatricals, an annual burlesque drag musical, in protest of the all-male cast. 

“We hear the protests and realize that times are changing. The Hasty Pudding is proud to respond to these calls by meeting with the fathers of the auditioning women,” said Andrew Marble, a leader of the grad board. 

Ashton Kutcher Saves Two and a Half Men

In a moment of heroism, actor Asthon Kutcher managed to salvage three men from a brutal train wreck, though one escaped with only his torso intact.

After the driver of the train lost control in a cocaine-fueled rage that derailed the locomotive from its already shaky tracks, Kutcher tried desperately to revive the maimed man with his trademark combination of witty humor and youthful sex appeal.