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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Dr. Paul J. Barreira
Dear Members of the Harvard Community,
 
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE FLU! THE MUMPS! H1N1! H2N2! THE DISAPPEARANCE OF BEES AT AN ALARMING RATE! OH MY GOD! AHHHHHHHHH!
 
Everywhere you look. Everyone you know. So many public places, with people, who are SICK, with the MUMPS, and the FLU, AND YOU WILL ALL GET INFECTED. WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET INFECTED!
 
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
 

I Swear, If One of You Brats Eats a Tide Pod, SO HELP ME

Paul J. Barreira, director of Harvard University Health Services
Dear Members of the Harvard Community,
 
The number one priority at Harvard University Health Services (HUHS) is the health and safety of all members of our community. Unfortunately, it has never seemed to be among your top priorities. It's my job to keep all of you whiny little mumps-ridden shitheads safe, and I swear, if one of you brats eats a Tide Pod, SO HELP ME –
 
(Cool it, Paul. Think happy thoughts.)
 

5 Common Myths About Mumps

Hi friends,

As many of you know, mumps may or may not be back on campus. Your neighborhood HealthPALs and HUHS are here to make sure people stay healthy, especially after visiting family and while preparing for finals. In order to help you stay safe and be informed, we present these Five Myths and Facts about Mumps: 

In Response to University Sanctions, Mumps to Infect Everyone This Time

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- The mumps virus, which drew widespread criticism last spring for primarily infecting members of all-male final clubs, has announced that, in accordance with university sanctions on Single-Gender Social Organizations, it will infect all Harvard students regardless of affiliation during the current outbreak.

Which One of You Fuckers Isn't Washing Your Hands?

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

The health and safety of all members of the Harvard community is a top priority for everyone at Harvard University Health Services (HUHS). For that reason, I am compelled to ask you: which one of you fuckers isn't washing your hands? Like, what the hell guys? Didn't we get it through your thick skulls last year? YOU HAVE TO WASH YOUR HANDS. OTHERWISE YOU WILL CATCH MUMPS AND DIE!

Mumps Quarantine Now Most Exclusive Social Space on Campus

CAMBRIDGE, MA -– From the ashes of the embattled single-gender final clubs, a new social space has risen like an even more exclusive Phoenix. The Inn has emerged as the most elite social space in Harvard history, home to the 0.007 percent: those students isolated to prevent the spread of mumps.

Mumps Outbreak “Just a Prank, Bro”

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a press conference this morning, Harvard University President Drew Faust announced that “the mumps outbreak plaguing the campus was just a prank this whole time." Faust, notorious for underperforming on April Fool’s Day, went all out this year, trying to come up with a plan that would redeem her for all past years. Faust stepped up to the podium, struggling to contain her jubilance, and managed to say “I got you so good!” before breaking into hysterical laughter for 3 straight minutes in front of a silent press.