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Op-Ed

Oh, You Guys Think I Look Old?

By Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Alright. Listen up, you liberal young folk, concerned editorialists, and Facebook crusaders.  I get the point. You guys all think I look old. Oh please. I’m ship-shape, better than ever, and I’m not going anywhere. 

Why Doesn't Anyone Ask How My Day Is Going?

The weather is always notable. Casual Wednesdays? Nauseating. And people? People are expendable! Guess how many people have had the Corporate Consistency Agent position in the last month? Four. Oh wait, there’s another, because fucking Peter probably forgot to file his damn TPS reports again.

Why I Gave Up Having Pockets

I gave up having pockets three years ago--the day I met my first buyer. I remember her asking, “Does it have pockets?” and then saying, “No, it doesn’t,” in a happy sigh of pure dismay. At first she wasn't sure what to make of my decision, but she took a chance on me that I know she doesn't regret.

 

Be Safe, Be Smart, Have Fun, Buddy!

Hey there, champ! Your OSL told me that you're going to that big football game this weekend. I'm so happy you're putting yourself out there, getting into sports, maybe even making some new friends.
 

Making This Easy Ethical Choice Is Really Hard For Me, Okay?

A few weeks ago, a video was released in which Donald Trump, our party’s nominee, boasts about sexually assaulting women.  I was and remain appalled by his words, and I have announced that I will no longer be campaigning on his behalf.  Some of my critics have pointed out, however, that I have not withdrawn my endorsement from the Trump campaign, and they have accused me of putting my career before a moral obligation to keep a sexual predator out of the White House.  To them, I have only this to say: Back off, okay? I’m in a really tough spot right now.

 

The Orlando Tragedy Proves [Insert Prior Belief Here]

My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of today’s tragedy. But thoughts and prayers are not enough. It’s time for real change. Today’s shooting in Orlando shows how important it is for us to support [insert prior belief here].

Point/Counterpoint: Kim Jong-un is Best Leader vs. Kim Jong-un is Greatest Leader

Point: Kim Jong-un is Best Leader on Earth by Kim Jong-un

Kim Jong-un is best leader on earth and only leader capable of defeating decadent Western pigs. He is a tremendous basketball star, well-known for scoring 60 points in his final game for the Los Angeles Lakers. He has likewise many lady admirers such as Kendall Jenner, with whom he would do the intercourse very often, were it not that she is a capitalist whore hell-bent on undermining the morals of Best Korea. 

Why Harvard

The following was initially delivered as a speech to the visiting students accepted to the class of 2020.

Welcome class of 2020,

It is such an honor and pleasure to have you all here, and I want to thank you for considering Harvard.  

Many of you are weighing the option of attending another school. While every college has something to offer, today I’d like to make the case that there is simply nothing like a Harvard education.

Walking Slowly Is One of Life’s Greatest and Most Sincere Pleasures

By The Person Walking in Front of You
 

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Important Information Regarding Ye Cholericke Humours

Dear Scholars of Harvard College, 

We have now confirmed six cases of cholericke humours in the Harvard community, all of whom have been kept in isolation so that Ye Health Services of the College and the Massachusetts Bay Colony Department of Ill Spirits may ascertain whether they be caused by witchcraft.

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