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For Halloween, Girl to Dress Up as Slutty Disappointment to Her Parents

After a lackluster appearance as a slutty nurse last year, Rachel Myers ’19 has decided to dress up as a slutty disappointment to her parents this Halloween.

During a trip with her roommate to the Garment District—where Myers tried on slutty suffragette, slutty CEO, and slutty goldfish costumes—Myers realized that she should just cut to the chase and go as a slutty disappointment to her parents.

Area Man Downloads Tinder for Fourth Time Because, Fuck, Grandparents Married at 20

A man holds a phone.
ALEXANDRIA, VA – Upon realizing today that, Jesus H. Christ, he is already three years older than his grandparents when they married, local 23-year-old Josh Keegan has downloaded the popular hookup app Tinder for the fourth time.
 
"I mean, holy shit, when she was my age, Nana had already given birth to Aunt Linda," Keegan reported as he hastily deleted "[Aquarius emoji], if you care about that sort of thing" from his bio. "Obviously it was a different time, but damn, I don't think I've even been on a date since Kelsey."