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Squirrels Bury Human Skull Next to Chestnuts

Residents of Punxsutawney are familiar with mysterious
animal behaviors, sharing their town with the veritable Nostradamus of animals,
groundhog Punxsutawney Phil. Commonly referred to as ""the seer of seers and the
prognosticator of prognosticators"" and ""a reincarnated witch from the early
17th century,"" Phil is no longer alone in his mysterious ways.""Oh, everyone thinks they're cute. Not so cute when you see
them carrying a person's head, though, huh? There's more to them than that Miley

Astronaut Locks Keys Inside Shuttle

In a recent turn of events, Commander Bill Stone has come to
the conclusion that he did indeed, lock the shuttle keys inside the rocket. ""I
knew I had them a second ago,"" the commander muttered as he rooted through his
pockets. ""But I can't figure out what I did with them. I guess they must be in
my other spacesuit.""

College Board Releases SAT Reading Passage Formula

I remember growing up as an (Irish Immigrant/AfricanAmerican/Latino/Navajo/Asian
American) child during the (Great Depression/Civil Rights era/war). Back in
those days we didn't have much, just an infinitesimal house in (rural
America/the city/Chinatown). On some lazy afternoons, I used to sit on the
(front porch/kitchen counter/bed my eight siblings and I shared) and think about
the children playing in the (word from another language, italicized) and how
happy they were. I was always getting in trouble at school because I would (draw

Santa Unable to Bring Back Daddy

Molly O'Monahan, a mean eight years old, didn't want the new Hannah Montana
Young Ladies Bra for Christmas this year. She didn't want Guitar Hero 27. She
didn't even want a pony. She just wanted to get her recently divorced father
back. Santa has been unable to deliver.

Tragic Death Inspires New Lifetime Movie

Not all hope was lost for Bertha Rinskertang after she failed to hang herself  and accidentally fell off a 30 story building into a rusty junkyard. Indeed, the 14 year-old aspiring actress may posthumously get the fame she craved now that  the Lifetime Network has announced their intentions to create a movie in honor  of her tragic and unexpectedly pathetic death.

Michael Crichton Preserved in Amber


Influential science fiction
writer Michael Crichton will be preserved in amber, sources close to the
Crichton family said yesterday.

Scientology Brings Suit Against Producers of Battlestar Galactica

The Church of Scientology has brought suit in Los Angeles's 9th Circuit Court against the science fiction hit "Battlestar Galactica," citing high level "crazy space shit" as "clear and persistent infringement of copyrighted intellectual property." The Church also cites "awesome fucking laser cannons" that come directly from trademarked thetan reduction procedures.

Henson's Muppets: Where are they now?

As Sesame Street began its 39th season, some of its members, such as Cookie Monster, got off to a rocky start. Monster, 43, is best known for a 1998 episode in which he was admitted to an eating disorder clinic after being diagnosed with bulimia and depression.

Monster was not well for long though, as he publicly binged and purged at his paparazzi-studded birthday
event not long after. His consumption of "a buttload" of cookies was enough for his concerned friends to summon the medics. The guest list seemed an apparent cause of the relapse.

Palin's Executive Experience

While many pundits have blamed Sarah Palin's lack of experience for John McCain's electoral defeat, locals in her hometown of Wasilla, AK have a differing view.
"Oh, she stands "'bout ten stories tall. Fire in her eyes, arms like tree trunks," reported Jeremiah Gooding, sitting in front of the town's general store. "Yep, I reckon she's a-ready to take on Venezuelan oil prices." 

Republicans Justify Global Warming

The Republican Party has switched tactics in the debate on global warming, shifting from a stance of denial to enthusiastic acceptance. "It's time for icebergs to pay for their outright terrorism against American citizens on that fateful morning of 1912," said a spokesperson yesterday. "One of their kind performed a cowardly act of aggression while submerged in the ocean, sinking the R.M.S. Titanic and ending hundreds of American lives. We are announcing a comprehensive plan to increase greenhouse emissions and melt down every last iceberg."