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Breaking

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U.S.

Girls Say Snapchat Improves Self-Esteem

In a recent study conducted by biological social linguistic psychologist Fem I. Nine at the University of Pennsylvania, researchers have found a strong correlation between use of the mobile app “Snapchat” and heightened levels of self-esteem among young women.

Study Finds Humans Share More DNA with Lima Beans than Chimpanzees

Rockville, MD — Researchers at the J. Craig Venter Institute today announced that they had completed the sequencing of the genome of Phaseolus lunatus, better known as the lima bean. Preliminary findings, to be published in the journal Nature next month, seem to indicate that our species shares more genes with the South American legume than with chimpanzees.

Abraham Lincoln Has Been Playing Daniel Day-Lewis For the Past 56 Years

In a press conference following his Best Actor win at the 85th Academy Awards, Abraham Lincoln revealed that he has been playing Daniel Day-Lewis since 1957.  

“Yeah, that whole thing about the theater and the shooting and all that, it was unfortunate, but it had to be done.  I just needed an excuse to get away from my wife.  She was f—king crazy, you know,” said the 16th President of the United States.  “I mean, the ends justified the means, right?  Machiavelli said that, I think.  I’m a big fan of Machiavelli.”

Oprah Comes Out As Illiterate

CHICAGO, IL- Today, revolutionary entertainment mogul Oprah Winfrey revealed her

self-reported “deepest, darkest secret” to a studio audience today during the taping of

her daily afternoon show.

 

“I’m the greatest,” she started off. “I have literally changed the world. I’m super

fucking rich, I have a boyfriend named Steadman (not to mention some Gayle on the

side), I give away cars to menopausal women on a regular basis, and,” she took a

moment of dramatic pause at this point, “I founded and currently run an earth-

Obama Lip-syncs Oath of Office at Inauguration

WASHINGTON, D.C.– News has leaked that 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, was in fact lip-syncing to a pre-recorded track during his second inauguration held earlier this month. A source in the White House staff reported that immediately after he left the platform, Obama could be heard “bragging to his bros,” Vice President Joseph Biden and Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, at the urinal about pulling off the stunt.

Giant Robot Eagle Named as Secretary of Homeland Security

 

In a surprise move, President Barack Obama has nominated a gigantic robotic bald eagle to Secretary of Homeland Security. 

Arkansas Comes Out as First Openly Gay State

Following months of speculation and way too much Prada trafficking through the state, Arkansas released a press statement confirming its homosexuality. Says Governor Mike Beebe, “I mean, come on. Everybody knows that the biggest bully is actually the biggest victim.”
 
Arkansas, known for its strident homophobia—exhibited on billboards denouncing marriage between members of the same sex by saying “No to gay, all day,” says it has just been covering up for a great shame to its evangelical pride.

Romney Drops Out of Electoral College to Pursue Career at Dairy Queen

After losing the U.S. Presidential Election, Mitt Romney has decided that the Electoral College is not for him.   In a tearful call to his parents Tuesday night, Romney declared he would “never go back to that damn College,” instead hoping to pursue a career at a local Dairy Queen.

“It’s not that people didn’t like me—it’s just that the pressures of the Electoral College were too much.  Maybe I should have joined a frat.  I don’t know.”

Satan Refuses to Endorse a Presidential Candidate

HELL -- In an historic first, the Devil has declined to endorse either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney for the Presidency, claiming that both contenders "are hell-bent on creating chaos and spreading destruction without any help from me."

Third Party Debate Ends in Debate Over Where to Hold After-Party

CHICAGO, IL—Less than forty minutes after beginning, the recent Third Party Debate closed in ignominious fashion, as the four onstage candidates and moderator Larry King argued about where to hold the annual “Third Party After-Party” in the Windy City.

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