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Hollywood Waiter Out of Work

Two months ago, Tommy Ballard
moved to California to fulfill his dream of waiting tables in Hollywood.
But after applying to every restaurant from La Bella Fica Italiana
to Dougie's Burrito Shack, Ballard
discovered just how hard it is to break into the market.

"It's all about who you know," he laments. "I have an MFA in garnish
studies and napkin origami, but Fred-the-dumbass gets the job because he's the chef's Coca-Cola connection."

Jews Grudgingly Admit, Apocalypto "Pretty Good"

NEW YORK, NY — Despite calls for boycott after Mel Gibson’s drunken
diatribe against the Jews, members of the Jewish community have had to grudgingly admit that Gibson’s “Apocolyptico” was actually pretty good. “I mean, I guess that part where that jaguar fights the guy wasn’t bad,” said lawyer and Jew, Stephen Kofax. “It was a bit violent, over all; I’m no huge fan of gore, but I guess I was entertained
the whole way through.”

No Immigrants Left to Build Immigrant Wall

With a sudden rash of immigrant deportations sweeping Texas, there seems to be no one left to build an immigrant-restrictive wall along the Mexican border.

“Dios mio! Salsa y quesadilla!” said Enrique Carlos Ricardo De La Rosa Santos IV, an illegal Mexican immigrant who was recently deported from the United States. Ironically, Santos IV had been working on the barrier at the time of his deportation.

Commune for Sex Offenders Created in Iowa

No sound is as enticing as that of the ice cream truck in Farmerville, Iowa, home to 7,000 registered child molesters.

A new Iowa state law requires that sex offenders live at least 12,000 feet away from schools. Due to the high concentration of schools in Iowa, 7,000 sex offenders have recently been forced to relocate to Farmerville, a legal
12,000 feet away from any tantalizing
schoolchildren.

Superdelegates Pledge To Use Powers for Good

Amid concerns that the Democratic
presidential nomination could be decided by so-called "superdelegates,"
several of these individuals have pledged to use their powers for good, not evil.

"After receiving the power of teleportation in a lab accident, I swore that I would only use my incredible
gifts for the betterment of mankind," explained Montana Governor
Brian Schweitzer, one of 796 DNC superdelegates.

Kucinich Calls For "More Perfect Union" Between Humans, Elves

In a daring speech that put his political legacy on the line, Congressman
Dennis Kucinich has blown open the long festering debate over human-elf relations.

“For many years I have tried to come to grips with my past,” said a teary-eyed Kucinich. “But I can no more deny my elf heritage than I can deny my white grandmother, who is also an elf.”

Golden Brown Potato Wins Idaho Primary

It's no wonder that the citizens of Idaho, known for eating raw potatoes like apples and wearing Mr. Potato Head accessories, overwhelmingly favored Idaho potatoes in the recent Democratic primary. Explains Idaho governor Butch Otter, "Potatoes have no history of drug abuse, potatoes didn't vote in favor of the war, and potatoes never looked the other way when their husband got head from a fat chick.

Straight Republican Outed

The Republican Congressional minority was shaken yesterday, after the revelation that one of their own was not a closeted homosexual.

In a tearful press conference that afternoon, Senator Buck Newport admitted that he has never cheated on his wife with another man, attempted
to seduce young pages in his employ, or solicit sex in the men’s bathroom by tapping twice on an adjacent stall. Most shockingly, Grassley went on to confess that he is not even a closeted homosexual.

Mark Foley: Serial Facebook Poker

PALO ALTO, CA — According to a report released by Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Foley (R-Florida) has poked an extraordinary 40,000 underage males on Facebook.

“First I thought Mini-feed announcing
when I shat was scary. Then I got poked by Mark Foley,” said Tom Baker, a 17-year-old Facebook user. “What’s next? Facebook telling me I just got fingered by Mark Foley?”

Million Monkeys at Million Typewriters Fail to Replace Screenwriters

In an attempt to replace the striking
WGA, the AMPTP has purchased one million monkeys and set them in front of one million typewriters. Thus far, the experiment has not gone well.

“The monkeys have no absolutely no grasp of format,” said Nick Counter,
the president of the AMPTP. They have also shown a tendency to ignore the preferred fonts, and have outright refused to respect traditional margin size. “Charlie Sheen doesn’t have time to interpret this freeform drivel. Humph!” commented a disgruntled Charlie Sheen.

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