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Giant Robot Eagle Named as Secretary of Homeland Security

 

In a surprise move, President Barack Obama has nominated a gigantic robotic bald eagle to Secretary of Homeland Security. 

Arkansas Comes Out as First Openly Gay State

Following months of speculation and way too much Prada trafficking through the state, Arkansas released a press statement confirming its homosexuality. Says Governor Mike Beebe, “I mean, come on. Everybody knows that the biggest bully is actually the biggest victim.”
 
Arkansas, known for its strident homophobia—exhibited on billboards denouncing marriage between members of the same sex by saying “No to gay, all day,” says it has just been covering up for a great shame to its evangelical pride.

Romney Drops Out of Electoral College to Pursue Career at Dairy Queen

After losing the U.S. Presidential Election, Mitt Romney has decided that the Electoral College is not for him.   In a tearful call to his parents Tuesday night, Romney declared he would “never go back to that damn College,” instead hoping to pursue a career at a local Dairy Queen.

“It’s not that people didn’t like me—it’s just that the pressures of the Electoral College were too much.  Maybe I should have joined a frat.  I don’t know.”

Satan Refuses to Endorse a Presidential Candidate

HELL -- In an historic first, the Devil has declined to endorse either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney for the Presidency, claiming that both contenders "are hell-bent on creating chaos and spreading destruction without any help from me."

Third Party Debate Ends in Debate Over Where to Hold After-Party

CHICAGO, IL—Less than forty minutes after beginning, the recent Third Party Debate closed in ignominious fashion, as the four onstage candidates and moderator Larry King argued about where to hold the annual “Third Party After-Party” in the Windy City.

Biden Just Sleep Talking

WASHINGTON, DC--Democrats have heralded Vice President Joe Biden’s performance at the recent vice presidential debate with Republican candidate Paul Ryan as “just what the party needed” and “energizing.” But recent lines of communication from the White House have confirmed that Joe Biden was actually debating in his sleep.

Obama Comes Out as Muslim

BURBANK, CA--At an appearance on a daytime talk show to commemorate National Coming Out Day this past Thursday, President Barack Obama finally came out as a Muslim.

“I’ve always struggled trying to define myself,” he explained on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to host Ellen DeGeneres.  “Back in high school, I always got so uncomfortable when my classmates made fun of the one openly Muslim boy.  ‘Should I try to be like them?’ I asked myself.  But, in my heart, I knew that one day I would have to embrace my identity.”

In Latest Gaffe, Romney Knifes Homeless Man

Body of Jimmy Hoffa found in Cemetery

Detroit, MI—nearly 40 years after Teamsters’ Union leader Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance, Federal investigators have discovered his body buried in a Detroit-area cemetery. Hoffa, who is believed to have been killed in 1975 over a dispute with the mafia about the Teamsters’ Union’s pension fund, was found beneath a granite headstone marked “James Riddle Hoffa”. Investigators are currently investigating the significance of the name for clues on who might have hidden the body in the cemetery, hoping that it will lead them to Hoffa’s killer.

Elmo Vows to Kill Mitt Romney, Disappears

SESAME STREET- Elmo from Sesame Street has gone on the lam after vowing to kill Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Elmo, who was watching the first presidential debate on local aristocrat Count van Count’s TV with several other residents of the street, reportedly flew into a rage when Romney stated that, although he loved Big Bird, he would pull funding from PBS.

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