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Tragic Death Inspires New Lifetime Movie

Not all hope was lost for Bertha Rinskertang after she failed to hang herself  and accidentally fell off a 30 story building into a rusty junkyard. Indeed, the 14 year-old aspiring actress may posthumously get the fame she craved now that  the Lifetime Network has announced their intentions to create a movie in honor  of her tragic and unexpectedly pathetic death.

Michael Crichton Preserved in Amber

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Influential science fiction
writer Michael Crichton will be preserved in amber, sources close to the
Crichton family said yesterday.

Scientology Brings Suit Against Producers of Battlestar Galactica

The Church of Scientology has brought suit in Los Angeles's 9th Circuit Court against the science fiction hit "Battlestar Galactica," citing high level "crazy space shit" as "clear and persistent infringement of copyrighted intellectual property." The Church also cites "awesome fucking laser cannons" that come directly from trademarked thetan reduction procedures.

Henson's Muppets: Where are they now?

As Sesame Street began its 39th season, some of its members, such as Cookie Monster, got off to a rocky start. Monster, 43, is best known for a 1998 episode in which he was admitted to an eating disorder clinic after being diagnosed with bulimia and depression.

Monster was not well for long though, as he publicly binged and purged at his paparazzi-studded birthday
event not long after. His consumption of "a buttload" of cookies was enough for his concerned friends to summon the medics. The guest list seemed an apparent cause of the relapse.

Palin's Executive Experience

While many pundits have blamed Sarah Palin's lack of experience for John McCain's electoral defeat, locals in her hometown of Wasilla, AK have a differing view.
"Oh, she stands "'bout ten stories tall. Fire in her eyes, arms like tree trunks," reported Jeremiah Gooding, sitting in front of the town's general store. "Yep, I reckon she's a-ready to take on Venezuelan oil prices." 

Republicans Justify Global Warming

The Republican Party has switched tactics in the debate on global warming, shifting from a stance of denial to enthusiastic acceptance. "It's time for icebergs to pay for their outright terrorism against American citizens on that fateful morning of 1912," said a spokesperson yesterday. "One of their kind performed a cowardly act of aggression while submerged in the ocean, sinking the R.M.S. Titanic and ending hundreds of American lives. We are announcing a comprehensive plan to increase greenhouse emissions and melt down every last iceberg."

Obama Victory Robs Obama Supporter of Purpose

After spending his days watching CNN, reading political blogs, and actually meeting the man himself, even if only once, Alan Donahue, a former middle school English teacher, is utterly bored and purposeless now that Barack Obama is America's president.
"I was so excited when he won. That is, when we won," says Alan. "I was celebrating with all of my friends and got so excited that I got drunk. Well, I was actually alone, but I was still pretty drunk. Barack's election was still really exciting though."

IHOP Resists Apple Takeover

The International House of Pancakes has released a statement rejecting the proposed takeover by Apple Computers, appearing to halt Apple CEO Steve Jobs' obsession with controlling all things beginning with i. IHOP president Julia Stewart noted, "The deal pretty much came down to the customers' objections to an Apple/IHOP product. General consensus seemed to be that our famous pancakes would be compressed into miniscule, albeit tasty, samples.

Six Trillion Dollar Solution

The desperate state of America's economy was entirely repaired last night when Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke found six trillion dollars crumpled up beneath the cushions of his couch. The money was discovered when Bernanke attempted to retrieve a fallen peanut two hours into a Rush Hour marathon on TBS. Heroically overcoming the fear that the Dr.

7-Eleven Wins "Most Robbable" Award

In a recent survey of prison inmates, the 24 hour convenience store 7-Eleven was named most popular to rob, edging CVS for the top spot for the famed "Golden Cash Register" Award.

Respondents cited its convenience, the overall "chill" attitude of workers, and the "sex-appeal" of the 7-Eleven brand. Several respondents added personal comments. One said, "It's not their first time being robbed, they know the drill."

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