CHAPPAQUA, NY -– Former president Bill Clinton has told his wife, Hillary, that he will quietly take over her presidential bid, with Senator Bernie Sanders continuing to put up a strong fight for the Democratic nomination.

“Hillary’s done a great job so far,” he said. “However, when we win the nomination, the race for the presidency will really heat up, and we won’t be able to afford to slip-ups like Michigan in the general,” he added.

1. "I eat nails when I wake up, then I have breakfast."
2. "Come on, you pansy!"
3. "These polls really don't matter."
4. " 'Tis but a scratch."
5. "I'm invincible!"
6. "I’ll come back and back and back."

Recent allegations have surfaced that I am not tough. Ask anyone who really knows me though and you’ll hear the truth: I’m the hardest, meanest son of a gun ever to walk this earth.

I’ve always had a “don’t mess with me” attitude. In seventh grade I once fought a kid and beat him up so bad that he moved to another country where he can never be located or contacted or anything so don’t try to find him because you won’t be able to. No one saw it, but it happened. And I swear to God if he shows his face again I’ll send him to another solar system.