MINNEAPOLIS – According to a joint study by the Pew Research Center and Sports Illustrated, a majority of Americans who consider themselves NFL fans will be rooting for halftime performer Justin Timberlake in Super Bowl LII.

“At first we were surprised by the findings,” said Pew VP of Research Claudia Deane. “But when we took a quick poll around the office, well, it seems the hatred for both of these franchises is overhwlemingly palpable, and Justin Timberlake is a beloved pop icon.”

CHICAGO, IL — For NFL hopefuls the draft represents the culmination of years of dedication to the game of football, and many college standouts express their joy through emotional hugs with Commissioner Roger Goodell. However, after a crushing embrace with defensive tackle Vincent Valentine during the third round of the draft, the lifeless, asphyxiated body of the Commissioner fell limply to the stage before a crowd of stunned fans.

Take this latest Satire V quiz: Who said it? Bernie Sanders or Deion Sanders?

1. "Sure we're in limos. We're stars. How else is a star supposed to travel?"

2. "If a financial institution is too big to fail, it is too big to exist."

3. "You don't go from a Yugo to a Benz, back to a Yugo."

4. "My God...if you want to run for President, you're going to need a gazillion dollars."

In response to the overwhelming demand for Sunday’s highly coveted Super Bowl advertising slots, soft drink manufacturer PepsiCo has entered into an agreement with Colorado-based TV commercial actor and occasional football player Peyton Manning, under which the Denver Broncos QB will replace his recognizable “Omaha” audible with the name of the iconic beverage for Super Bowl XLVIII.

The NFL draft will begin tonight and continue throughout the weekend as teams enlist college athletes to join their ranks. Many American young men will spend the weekend with phone in hand, dreading the possibility of being drafted. One such athlete is Mark McGoverny, a tight end from Oklahoma State projected in most mock drafts to be selected by the Cardinals with the seventh pick, who says, "Have you seen the guys in the NFL? They're huge. I don't want to go out there and get decked for a team I don't believe in. When I was in college, they couldn't draft me.