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What Your Uber Rating Says About You

It's no secret that your Uber rating can mean the difference between throwing up on yourself on the Quad Shuttle and throwing up on yourself in the back of a stranger's Toyota Corolla after a wild night at the Belltower. But what do these ratings really mean? The crack team of data journalists down at Satire V38 break it down for you:
 
5.0
Your mom set up an uber account in your name and used it once.
 
4.6

Basic White Kid Near Extinction After Destruction of Feeding Ground

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Conservationists from the National Wildlife Service have raised concerns that the Basic White Kid, a rare animal indigenous to the coasts of North America, may be on the verge of extinction following the discovery that it can no longer access one of its primary food sources.

Militant Girl Scouts Troop Exacts Revenge on Sadly Ignorant Customer

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Clad in green berets and multi-colored, patchwork vests, Girl Scout Troop 1524 laid siege to a colonial-style home belonging to local man Ted Smith, who had reportedly failed to pay for his order of four dozen Caramel deLites® cookies.

People of South African Township Delighted That Panthers Are Super Bowl Champions

 
VRYBURG, SOUTH AFRICA - Ecstatic celebrations rang out across the small South African informal settlement of Huhudi late Sunday night, after the news broke that the Carolina Panthers had been crowned champions of the football world.