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Clinton Takes Long, Relaxing Vacation at Home Office

CHAPPAQUA, NY- With the long arduous campaign behind her, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to take a much needed vacation by immediately jumping back to work. “This campaign was so mentally exhausting, and now that it is over, I am going to take time to reflect, get out and see the world, take advantage of some much needed R&R and ‘me time,’” said Clinton, pausing for about 15 seconds. “…. Ok that was good. Back to work.”

Americans Psyched for Sunday's Episode of Downton Abbey

Americans all across the nation are donning jerseys and purchasing grilling supplies for Sunday’s big TV event, when everyone will tune in to watch the fifth episode of Downton Abbey, Season 4.  The episode of PBS’ wildly popular Masterpiece series is expected to draw the highest television audiences of the year, with estimates hovering around 105 million viewers. 

Top 10 Things to Do During Your Government Shutdown Furlough

1. Enjoy watching The West Wing, secure in the knowledge that a coked-up Aaron Sorkin came up with a better version of government than the real one.
2. Get a vasectomy.  There's no way you're going to want to bring a kid into this world.
3. Get all duked up for the 1st Annual Congressional Game of Marco Polo.
4. Call on God.  The number is 547-359-0021.  God will not pick up.  You can leave a message.
5. Go apple picking.

Fearing Regulation, Pressure Cooker Sales Spike

After the Boston Marathon incident last week involving bombs fashioned from pressure cookers, millions of domestically-inclined Americans have flocked to shopping malls across the country to buy the an unprecedented amount of pressure cookers, fearing imminent government regulations.